Research & Development

Every so often, the company HQ is rocked by what appears to be an earthquake. 89.99997% of the time, this is the result of some new breakthrough in the basement labs of R&D, where an army of labcoated geniuses work tirelessly to ride to wave of innovention to success. Whenever a market niche needs filling or an existing product needs improving, R&D is where to go.

Some people have accused the employees of R&D of being removed from most of the company's affairs. For completely coincidental reasons, these people have been sent down for human testing, found their computers malfunctioning, or begun hearing voices that may or may not be the result of a new product being beta tested.

This is the department where most company products are engineered and pioneered. In R&D, we don't worry about the explosions as much as whether the explosions have created anything useful. From the gerbil bazooka to Newer, Better Water™, R&D is hard at work making the world a better place for our consumers. Impossibility? What impossibility? Here at R&D, we believe that everything is possible. If it isn't possible, it will be soon. And right after, we'll find a way to make some kind of shiny gadget from it.

Competitors may have implied our department steals ideas. We at R&D would like to remind all rival companies that if they didn't make that shiny gadget first, taking out their jealousy on us is ridiculous. In that time, we will have already made five shiny new gadgets, bent another law of physics and pushed the boundary of impossible even further away.

Picture this: you walk into a bar and start a conversation about science. The man in the stool next to you turns around. “Science?” he says. ”Science?” Become part of R&D today, and show that imaginary man why that question mark should be an exclamation mark. If not several exclamation marks. In fact, we encourage the creation of an entirely new form of punctuation, and a distribution method, and an implementation strategy. R&D welcomes creative individuals with the skills to drag the objects of their imagination into reality, kicking and screaming with scientific joy.

We at R&D do not understand how you expect to achieve scientific advancement without decent competence in Science and/or Createalytics.

Alternatively, there are some whose labs are dedicated to developing new business strategies and corporate paradigms, who need to be skilled in Leadership.

Productivity is also encouraged, to build all your wonderful creations.

The company noted that certain individuals consider science more important than the company. Certain individuals are reminded that they are using company resources. Most reminders originate from Prof. Doctor. His policy of E³ (Efficiency, Efficiency, Efficiency) combined with a penchant for the Motivator, a modified, electrified cattle prod, has pushed employees to achieve more better, and in less time. The company has benefited, and so has science.

Notorious for his work building the first pocket civilisation, constructing two hundred impossible molecules and designing an engine to reduce vehicle energy consumption a hundred-fold. Most in R&D praise him as one of this generation's greatest geniuses. Those in other departments usually praise him as that guy who can have impressively long conversations with a muffin.

Ada is an implacable guardian of the rare supplies that R&D professionals seek for their projects. A brooding, taciturn presence, invulnerable to flattery or begging, she is close-mouthed about her past: rumours to explain her gimlet-eyed stare, lightning reactions and iron grip have included genetic experimentation, a long and storied pro-wrestling career as 'Deathblossom', and having to single-handedly bear and raise seventeen children. All that is known is that those who enter her office with an unauthorised request leave disappointed - or in a small bag, which squishes.