Company Ethics and Employee Happiness

Ethics and Conduct in the Workplace

In the dark days after the initial publication of the Five Habits of Highly Effective People, the megacorporations used ruthless tactics to rise to power and were widely accused of being amoral and anti-human. To combat this perception and to cut-down on the need to constantly refill posts vacated by aggressive trading and corporate headhunting, the megacorporations introduced a strict code of conduct for their employees to ensure a healthy, happy and survivable work environment.

While there are many regulation governing employee conduct and behaviour 1) the most important are:

  • Physical violence is not to be tolerated in the workplace. Any employees found to have been involved in such an incident will be subject to disciplinary proceedings.
  • Company resources are to be used only for Company orientated objectives. Any employee discovered to be using resources for personal ends will be reported to the Director of Human Resources.2)
  • Access to the Executive Bathroom on the 13th floor is strictly for authorized personnel only.
  • The company rejects the existence of any and all clandestine multi-lateral organisations that oppose the Company's management strategy and that subscribe to a philosophy of aggressive anti-globalist anti-capitalism. Any and All mentions of such fictitious bodies are banned from company literature, internal memos, and watercooler conversation.
  • Any employee found to be a member of a non-existent anti-corporate terrorist organisation will be subject to severe disciplinary proceedings.

Health and Safety in the Workplace

The Company would like to remind employees that even though all Health and Safety laws were repealed fifty years ago the company still values the health and well-being of all its employees.

Employees are encouraged to ensure the safety of themselves and their colleges at all times by: watching the company mandated safety video3) and attending the 2 minute safety seminar: “Goggles and You”4)to be held during induction day.

If an accident occurs or violence breaks out please call security. Do not attempt to combat the problem yourself unless this will save the company money.

Security are trained in rapid response procedures such as CPR, decontamination, fire fighting and 17 forms of unarmed combat. They will be able to provide you with all the assistance you require in the event of an emergency.

Remember: A healthy employee is a happy employee who is in turn a profitable employee.

Life at the Company

All company employees are covered by the company health initiative, a comprehensive policy designed to get you back to work as swiftly and cost-effectively as possible should anything untoward happen while you are performing your job.

Company employees are encouraged to join one of the many committees overseeing various aspects of company policy. This is your chance to let yourself be heard! These include the Ethics Committee, the Ethics Committee Oversight Committee and the Committee to Oversee Committees.

The company also offers a number of non-work-related activities such as the company softball team (who won a silver medal at the last Corporate Olympics: A Global Dynamics Corp Venture), Quilting Club and the Survivalist Brigade.

Employee Complaints

Should an employee come across evidence that another employee is not performing to company standards or in line with company directives, he or she may direct a complaint to HR along with all relevant evidence of wrongdoing on the second employee's part. HR will subsequently launch an immediate5) investigation and dispense any appropriate disciplinary measures.

Please note that, due to the time and resources required to perform an investigation, frivolous complaints or ones lacking sufficient evidence of wrongdoing are cause for immediate disciplinary proceedings.

1) as of the latest meeting of the Ethics Committee, there were 18 804 such regulations, available in 13 easy to read volumes at the low low cost of $412.99
2) Section 316-b, Subsection 6, Paragraphs 9 through 994 548 list what are considered “company resources”. These include, but are not limited to: Employee time, employee ideas, employee stray thoughts, air currently on company premises and sunlight falling on company property.
3) Not to be done on company time
4) Please Note: Goggles must be worn at all times when conducting potentially hazardous work to allow for post-mortem retinal identification
5) Immediate meaning, as per company directive 9875-c, anywhere from three to six weeks, with week being defined as a non-standard unit of time the length of which is dependent on the interpretation of the most senior employee currently involved in the discussion relating to the length of time spanned by a week
ethics.txt · Last modified: 2012/04/03 10:54 by gm_fabio
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