“Facilities? Who?” - an anonymous trainee, not long for this company

Invisible and omnipresent, the facilities department is typically sneered at by those who have not been educated in its ways - either by spending time mopping the labyrinthine corridors of Company HQ themselves, or by pushing the woman who restocks the vending machines just a little too far and finding out exactly what happens if your office is never, ever cleaned. In truth they are one of the most well-connected and well-informed departments, capable of exerting tremendous pressure when they have an agenda to push through the simple expedient of doing things - or, even worse, not doing things. An ally in facilities helps keep the office clean, the coffee flowing, and the bodies hidden where nobody can find them.

The Role of Facilities

Facilities is one of the few departments of the Company that actually does things. Mailroom staff, janitors, cleaners, cooks, tube-network-maintenance-professionals, data-entry monkeys, plumbers, electricians, undertakers, that one guy you can always rely on… whenever you see things actually achieved around the place, odds are a member of the facilities department is behind it.

Although that is the extent of their official duties, facilities' access to all areas of the company - all the areas that people want to keep clean, anyway - makes them an excellent network to cultivate if you want to know what's going on. Many successful executives make a point of keeping on the good side of the folk who keep the plumbing functional.

Facilities and You!

Want to feel like you're actually getting something done? Need a place to lie low until the latest corporate disaster you're responsible for has blown over? Completely incapable of qualifying for a more prestigious role? Why not try a career in facilities! We're now hiring ambitious young men and women who can see past traditional prejudices to the opportunities inherent in this oft-denigrated department. Bring your own mop and overalls.

Job Requirements

The facilities department likes its members to have high ratings in the Productivity core competency. Procrastination, Bureaucracy and Sabotage are all valued additions to the successful facilities professional's role profile.

Facilities looks favourably on highly effective people specialising in Value Stream Mapping.

Meet the Directors

Manitoba Saskatchewan, Managing Director of Facilities

In the chaos that surrounded the collapse of Canada many fortunes were made and lost, prizes gained and prices paid. Manitoba Saskatchewan lost one kidney, two cars, his house, and a strip of China one inch wide and six hundred miles long. He gained an antique revolver, thirty racing greyhounds, a controlling interest in syphilis and the rights to the names of two ex-Canadian provinces. He is a strange man.

Lord Bernard Hiss, Executive Director of Facilities

Rumours that Lord Hiss is a carnivorous reptile-man from another dimension are totally unfounded, and employees repeating them will be subject to harsh disciplinary action.

Carol Kelly, Executive Director of Facilities

Once a mere mailroom controller, Ms. Kelly's life changed on the day when she began her studies of Value Stream Mapping and, later that day, her studies of Hung Gar kung fu. Since then her ascent has been unstoppable: more than one rival has been seen off by an unexpected flood or a savage beating, none of which can be traced back to her (naturally).

facilities.txt · Last modified: 2012/03/25 22:42 by gm_oliver
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