Departments

Through diligent streamlining and efficiency maximisation, the company has reduced all employee roles to fit within one of five departments.

Legal & Acquisitions forms the company's offensive and defensive arms. When a new startup attempts to cut into our market share, sharks from acquisitions are quick to bring them into the fold. When regulators attempt to police the free market, our legal experts are there to find an exploitable loophole so that we may continue to be as productive and profitable as ever. When a government decides to step in, our teams are there to ensure it either becomes a wholly owned company subsidiary or that its rules do not apply to us. Legal & Acquisitions is for sharks and winners, driven people who will stop at nothing in the name of the company and will fight tooth and nail for our profit margins.

Facilities, the (mostly) unseen, unheard army that keeps the company headquarters running. They keep the place clean, the employees fed, the tubes unclogged and the files filed. Day in and day out they serve the greater good by caring for their fellow employees. They are the security guards, the troubleshooters, the cooks and the cleaners who ensure that work can be performed easily and efficiently. Employees who cross them are often driven mad by their sudden lack of access to coffee, empty bins, vending machines or working restrooms.

The black spire of Building 6 houses some of the nastiest, evilest, and most downright unpleasant people in the company. Finance & HR are in charge of monitoring the company's financial and employee activity, and all other departments have to deal with them on a regular basis, whether it's through the complicated (and some say man-eating) pile of paperwork that must be completed to claim expenses, or the terrifying yearly ritual that is the dreaded “performance review.” Few are those who choose to deal directly with Finance & HR, and even fewer are those who can avoid it entirely.

Is your smile wider than your head? Is your self-worth measured by how many people know your name? Does your tie shout “Hey, you there! Yes you, with the clipboard. No, not you, the other one. Not that one. Yes, you, yes. LOOK AT ME!”? If the answer is yes, then by gum do you belong in Public Relations, Marketing & Sales. We are some of the flashiest and best-looking snappy dressers in the company and we sure as shootin' know how to get things done. Employees in Marketing strive to expand brand awareness and open new markets. They are the ones whose task is to create interest in R&D's wonderful creations. Sales, meanwhile, devote their time and energy to creating market demand by any means necessary.

Science! was voted Research & Development's word of the day for the past 26 663 days, and in their labs it's not only that, but also their entire raison d'être. R&D devote their energy to the creation and implementation of new products, and improving on the old ones. Not a day goes by that there isn't an explosion rocking the foundations of Building 2, signifying a new breakthrough in any of the dozens of projects R&D is working on at any one time. But not everyone in R&D spends their day in a basement lab. Some select few are concerned with directing the flow of all those creative energies, or figuring out what use our latest product could possibly be put to. A few are even concerned with the development or new corporate strategies and paradigms, and spend their days in the rooftop zen gardens, meditating on alterating shifts and corporate stratagems.