Personnel Directory
Company Fast Track to Success Program Graduates (PCs)
Legal & Acquisitions
A. Johnson (Joe W.) - Procurement Facilitation Manager
Mr. A Johnson is responsible for the assembly and dispatch of teams of Temporary Procurement Consultants, reducing the burden on the department's full time Procurement Professionals. He used to be in HR but took a departmental transfer after a disgruntled contractor vandalised his office with a misappropriated Airborne Security Drone. He should not be confused with the Mr. Johnson who does Expenses, nor with the Mr. Johnson who styles hair for Executive pets. He definitely should not be confused with the Mr. Johnson who recently left to work with Ouroboros Genetics Ltd.
Betty Smith (Cecily P.)
Dante Camber (James R.) - Corporate Litigation Consultant
Dante Camber was terminated many years ago in a judicial dispute against Integrated Finance, but termination and subsequent rehiring have done nothing to dull his finely tuned legal senses. Many L&A staff stay well away from the pungent office of their reemployed colleague; a few revere him, as a potent symbol of steadfastness and a promising Prerogative Executioner in training. His PA, Miss Peel, helps him survive in the lively corporate world.
Drake Watson (Harry H.) - General Manager of Generic Team Leading and Employee Motivation via Innovative Motivational Management
Drake Watson has been in the company for many years, rapidly rising through the ranks, gaining several promotions, including some sideways and downwards ones. He has eventually ended up (at least for the time being) in management in Legal & Acquisitions, where he leads and motivates his workforce to do…whatever they actually do.
“D.Watson – Coping with the ever shifting paradigms of the business world by bringing to the table outside the box solutions to promote proactive growth and win-win resolutions leading to a streamlined path to our clear goal(s).”
Veracity Peel (Ellie W.) - Corporate Litigation Secretary and Personal Assistant to Mr. Camber
PA to Mr Camber, Miss Peel is known to have been with the company for several years. She is a skilled bureaucrat and enjoys taking part in the company softball team.
Sven Artosis (Robert C.) - Future Procurement Strategist
Sven Artosis leads a crack team of lawyers who by no means prefer to solve problems with their secret stash of outdated weaponry. They are known for their rapid response, often responding to callouts in as little as 5 weeks. In his spare time he likes to make daisy chains and work on the world’s first children’s toy with built in legal aid.
Facilities
Aleister Iago Harlington (David M.) - First Class Vending Machine Technician
Chicken Soup nozzle clogged? Heat-proof cups missing? Buttons covered in a mysterious sticky substance? Whatever your Vending Machine or Food-Based-Technology-Maintenance-Service problem, Harlington's your man.
Brad Collins (James I.) - Catering Manager and Caffeinated Beverage Facilitator
Brad is the manager of the Happy Bean® kiosks across the company, providing everything from flat whites to triple-shot caramel syrup decaf skinny soy lattes to all and sundry. He's constantly looking for opportunities to expand his business throughout the Company, ready to make friends with cheery smiles and free samples.
John Tarik (Edward P.) - Maintenance Operative
Has your air-con broken? Is your office flooded? The lift stopped working again? Call Maintenance and John'll be along to fix it.
Killasandra Morgan (Ellie H.) - Office Cleaner
Killasandra is the friendly office cleaner who is always happy to stop and chat as she wipes the coffee mug stains off your desk.
Finance & HR
B. Johnson (Julian L.) - Workforce Rationalisation Team Leader
B. Johnson is team leader of the Workforce Rationalisation Team. They are dedicated to ensuring maximum company productivity by constant, thorough and aggressive rationalisation of the workforce in line with company HR policy and ethical guidance. B. Johnson is not to be confused with A. Johnson, L. Johnson, X.B. Johnson, or any of the other highly productive Johnsons who may currently be a valued colleague of yours.
Chuck Brannigan (Alfred C.) - Increased Productivity through physical and spiritual wellbeing Consultant
Part of a Managerial “Fitness to Work” initiative, Chuck provides various “workout therapy solutions” usually aimed at creating “healthy happy productive employees” or “Taking the fight back to STRESS.” When not running yoga classes or team-building runs Chuck can often be found in the company Gym, or more rarely in his spartan cubicle in the HR building.
David Smith (Gerald P.) - Employee
Eliabeth Loxley (Jenny W.) - Observation and Reeducation Manager
Elizabeth Loxley is friendly, helpful, and the public face of one of the company's auditing teams. She also pitches a mean softball.
Mark Phobian (Conrad S.) - Executive Compliance Officer
Melvin Bernard (Owen S.) - Chief Junior Senior Accountant in Charge of Efficiency and Fraud
Melvin Bernard is known as an astute, if ‘creative’, accountant who nevertheless has a generally lax attitude about things. He was hired from an environmentally-friendly company a while back, but seems to have eschewed his liberal roots for the corporate world.
Nathaniel Briggs (Chris L.) - Personnel Optimizer
Samuel MacIntyre (Dan A.) - Operations Auditor
Providing thorough accountability and finance audits on behalf of “troubled” projects, under the direction of Eliabeth Loxley.
Walter Wilberforce (Elliot P.) - Harmony Maximizer
Walter W. Wilberforce is an ambitious, driven man loved by his co-workers and superiors alike for his hard-working and cheerful attitude towards his job as Harmony Maximiser. It his his role to ensure that all employees of the Company get along swimmingly with one another, and he reasonably and fairly settles inter-personal disputes with his expert staff members, the Harmony, Imperturbability and Tranquility Squad. Those who have had experiences with HIT Squad before were none too happy about it afterwards.
Veracity Schmitt (Hannah W.) - Data-Entry Monkey
PR, Marketing & Sales
Alexander Montreaux (Chris V.) - Holistic Marketing Strategy Manager
Alexander Montreaux heads the little understood Holistic Marketing Team that pushes the belief that it is possible to market a product without mentioning it at all, leaving people unaware that they are even subject a marketing campaign.
Caracal (Gabriel T.) - Outcomes Facilitator
Caracal is an Outcomes Facilitator for PRMS; his job is to ensure favourable conditions in any market sector currently being targeted by the department for sales, advertising etc. He prefers not to talk about his methods. Or about anything, really.'
Greg Lucas jnr. III (Ivan F.) - Reimagineer
“Hi, my name's Greg Lucas jnr III. You may remember me from such projects as 'Stars Wars: A New Coke Branding Hope' and 'Aliens: The Twister Game for Kids'.
“Here in reimagineering we reinvent the tired, forgotten, boring old past and improve it! Branding, on-focus marketing and above all the Company ethos drive everything we do here. Whether it's adding the latest on-message advertising to the flying iceberg in Titanic-4D or increasing excitement and thus profits by adding starfighters to Se7en, we're always exceed expectations.
“Reimagineering - reinventing the past to maximise profits in the now.”
Jacob "Monkey" Pollock (Iain D.) - Junior Slogan Development Technician
Monkey, whose real name is Jacob Pollock, earned his nickname because his job used to be held by a dozen monkeys on typewriters before the Company realised that employing one human would cost less. On a day-to-day basis, Monkey is responsible for creating slogans which are then passed on for screening, selection and application to end products. His superiors have noted his short attention span but commended his creativity and interpersonal skills. There are certain office rumours that Monkey was given the job after accidentally wandering into Building 3 while they were hiring. Those rumours are largely accurate.
Lig Lury Jr. (Harry M.) - Executive Marketing Manager
Max Profit (James G.) - Product Manager
No company should be without a portfolio of great products, and no great product should be without a top-class product manager to steer it through thick times and thin! When the going gets tough, the tough get on the tubes to Max Profit! Once you've worked with a professional product manager, you'll never know how you did without one!
Mick Fig (James N.) - Ethics Critic, Investigative Journalist and part-time News Anchor
M. will find out about your… wait, I can't remember. Never mind.
Pat Lyman (David F.) - Corporate Truth Ambassador
Pat Lyman is one half of reality TV show duo “Mick and Pat.” Public relations have recently given them the go ahead to make a new show “Mick and Pat with News and Chat” on the understanding that they stick to the corporation approved definition of “News” and the hope that there is such a thing as a corporation approved definition of “Chat.”
Research & Development
Baron Aegis von Eisenhower (Hector H.) - Head of Unbounded Space Research and Development
Anna Smith (Liz E.) - Researcher
Anna works on a wide variety of projects within the discipline of biology, but her passion lies with the study of genetics. She doesn't appreciate other people prying into her research, and keeps her cards close to her chest at all times.
Callum Lloyd (Chris N.) - Researcher
Dr. Callum Lloyd is a geneticist who works for R&D. Most products he designs are novel domestic plants and animals and are, for the most part, considered family friendly. It is not unknown, however, for him to engineer organisms with more practical applications, should the company require it.
Dr. Despair (Benedict P.) - Lead Scientist - Downsizing Equipment and Recreational Munitions Team
Today, the Doctor is in charge of the R&D team dedicated to “Downsizing Equipment and Recreational Munitions”, designing and producing weaponry for the corporate environment. If you ever need to declutter an office block to a smoldering ruin or demote an ex-employee into a pile of dust (or just want to pick up a canister of festivity-grade nerve gas for the next office party), chances are you'll knock on what's left of their door…
Dr. Erika Moore (Laura C.) - Research Scientist
Welcome to the Accelerated Competency Working Group. We can rebuild you. We can make you better, faster, more productive. We can turn a normal graduate trainee into the ultimate perky, competent, job-satisfied team player. Ask me how.
'Dr.' Helmuth von Steel (Edward G.)
Pewsey Whipsnade (Gareth J.) - Process Engineering Research Engineer
Sally Sevens (Jen. M) - Scientist
Unless you’re in Facilities, or have a background in confectionery history, you probably don’t know Sally. Those in Facilities find her generally amiable and know that once, for John Tarik, she invented a trial, limited-lifespan bacterium for cleaning pipes (it left them smelling gently of muffins); those in the confection (or anti-sugar) industry may recall that someone—was it her?—once came up with a cure for candy floss addiction.