Projects: Turn 1

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: John Smith, PR,M&S
Serial Number: afef-43ca-8654-9bf0-ef62-96ee-8285-baea
Project Goal: Develop extra-terrestial advertising.

Corporate projections indicate major markets on Earth will be exhausted within the next 20 years. In order to meet growth projections we will need to exploit extra-terrestrial markets, whatever they may be.

Steal a march on our competitors by designing and deploying a marketing campaign that will reach our future markets before they do.

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: Lord Bernard Hiss
Serial Number: c0ec16beaca501a4e146405b5a4308c0
Project Goal: Test all the automated 'X days since an accident' signs

Dotted around the company are numerous highly advanced signs which monitor the number of days since an accident, automatically resetting to zero when an accident is detected within their purview. All these signs need to be tested to check if they are functioning as intended:

• Are they counting days correctly?
• Are they detecting accidents correctly?
• Are they detecting only the correct kind of accident?

Initiator: Guy Incognito, Security Chief
Supervisor: REDACTED
Serial Number: 6c4bb7ff965a8ba72b46b6451cdef07c
Project Goal: Sign up for the resistance!

The company is anxious to know its employee's attitudes to a possibly non-existant organisation. If you are a member of the afore-mentioned clandestine organisation, sign up below and complete a 20 minute survey.

Doing so will automatically enter you into a draw for a chance to win a one-way all-expenses-paid trip to Dangeria, the company tropical resort and home of its executive Most-Dangerous-Game recreation facility. No purchase necessary.

Initiator: Jake Bloom
Supervisor: REDACTED
Serial Number: 0112010110101000101011101010
Project Goal: Implement Focus Testing Ideas to rebrand the company

The company's image has been rather lacklustre of late. To this end, we have conducted extensive focus testing (the results of which can be found in Archive Room 981-D, Cabinet 37 in Row 14 881.

You need to work these ideas into practical solutions for the polishing of our corporate image to bring it in line with our in-house projections.

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: Gina Star
Serial Number: be5f4a7963408175b81b3fd1a277fb37
Project Goal: Make the news, and report it first.

The Company wants a share of the global news market. The Company also notes that current world events are insufficiently interesting. Hire, train, or build us a world-class news team. Then make news happen, and make sure the cameras are rolling.

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: REDACTED
Serial Number: f970ca1bd4f7e53c7dcba668b8541e86
Project Goal: To acquire the space for a corporate museum

The plans for a corporate museum that will be the envy of the world have been laid, simultaneously striking our competitors down with awe and also allowing us to effectively brand history. The company requires a pentagonal plot of land at least one mile to a side. Unfortunately all existing corporate land has been designated “off-limits” by PRM&S for project hypno-shrubbery. Therefore new land will will need to be acquired, minimising costs is key!

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: Dr. Universe Smith
Serial Number: 0b88cb6ae19c10e20a6bcb83cc76694b
Project Goal: Sell dangerous animals to small children.

The Company's latest generation of genetically engineered war-animals was unexpectedly miniaturized, rendering them unsuitable for combat operations. Further, they show tendencies to attack one another on sight, and hide in small places when idle. Find a way to make them appeal to children, and get them on shelves before they destroy each other.

Initiator:Dominique D'vere
Supervisor: REDACTED
Serial Number: 33333333933333
Project Goal: Increase Workforce Efficiency

The elimination of the weekend and the introduction of the 30 hour day lead to unprecedented gains in workforce efficiency. We need a new way to make employees work harder or a new way to make harder employees. Either way this is needs to be a cutting edge scheme combined with an integrated marketing strategy to sell the new scheme to employees. An eye-catching name will be key.

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: Mike Bitterman
Serial Number: 516245MGH379
Project Goal: Deal with 10,000 malfunctioning radioactive spiders

Project Homo Arachno Alpha, designed to provide superior battlefield operatives for the urban environment and as an attempt to capture a segment of the Velcro market, has been a dismal failure. It seems the radioactive arachnids bestow the absolute as opposed to relative strength of a spider on test subjects and that silk production necessitates an intake of unhealthy levels of trans-fats. We need to salvage this project by either by finding a way to market the 10,000 radioactive spiders created or by correcting the design problems and disposing of the failed prototypes.

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: Jake Bloom
Serial Number: 475435873abe8d973649f68b33a71b8f
Project Goal: Make a child-compatible company mascot

After an unfortunate incident involving toxic waste and a cheese grater, our last company mascot is no longer with us. Make a better and more child-friendly company mascot to replace the old one. Market it to the world as the friendly and approachable face of the company.

Note: To keep costs down, this one should be capable of locating and acquiring its own nutritional requirements. DDV.

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: Prof. Doctor Doctor
Serial Number: 016f2bde279dbae41d44ad6e34f8f6ba
Project Goal: Make and distribute motivational plants

83% of employees in a recent survey said that they wished their office plants could do more for them. Of these, 76% said they wished their plants were more motivational. We do, too. Engineer and market talking plants able to motivate employees and the general public. And remember - anything produced by the company should be convinced about how wonderful the company is. Naturally.

Initiator: Dominique D'Vere
Supervisor: REDACTED
Serial Number: 51d2641754e2b2c3a72129ee2398863f
Project Goal: HR productivity is down in certain areas. Fix it.

Reported productivity on the bottom six floors of the HR tower has dropped well below acceptable levels. Find out why, make it stop, and make sure it never happens again. If I have to come down there myself the re-engineering will be heard for miles around.

Initiator: Corporate HR
Supervisor: REDACTED
Serial Number: 30e4-8a16-a5c2-18bb-2fc9-7c09-8ffe-2bcb
Project Goal: Recruit Prof. De'ath

Human Resources have identified a Pink Omicron-Level recruitment target.
Use any and all means to retain the services of this individual.

Professeur Dokteur Dokteur Francis Le De'ath
Head of Research
Darkness Systems Incorporated, a Mjölnir H.I. Company.

Initiator: REDACTED
Supervisor: REDACTED
Serial Number: AHR3590JLV78
Project Goal: Aquire ancient financial instruments

Intelligence suggests that our competitors are interested in acquiring several privately owned archeological sites located in the Middle East and Northern Europe. In line with the company's core strategic objective of maximising ownership, company employees are instructed to acquire any ancient financial instruments that may be of use in company marketing campaigns or in a new company museum. This may nessesciate a rigorous retraining regime to produce qualified corporate archeologists.