News Turn 7

CPNY: -99% 3; DOG: +∞% 1; MHI -100% 0; NIX -100% 0; RST -100% 0; TMK -100% 0, MONO -100% 0

Employees of the Month

The Company would like to congratulate the following employees for life-preserving Success! in the face of certain doom. Their pictures will be hung on that rock over there and they'll receive a free Pointed Stick™ - Now 30% better at killing prey than the leading non-pointed brand of stick.

G. Lucas - for ensuring the survival of the Company in the face of causality.
F. Despair - for ensuring the Company retains is strategic downsizing ability.
J. Tarik - For making the end of all things profitable!

Minutes of the Businopocalypse

Attached are the minutes of the Businopocalypse. We would appreciate it if all attendees could fact-check the key points and get back to the stenography-pool ASAP with any corrections.

An unusual memo

We recieved an obscure memo:

Notice is hereby given that your post-vital services has been privatised and is now open to competition. Dante Inc. has won the bid to be service provider of last resort, and will handle your post-life experience unless you register an alternative preference. At present the only alternative provider is Pyramid Inc. under the direction of their new CEO Pat Lyman.

To engage Pyramid Inc as you as your alternative post-vital provider, please stain your soul the could of ripe pineapples by ensuring regular consumption of the Holy Fruit™.

In Bold Move, Company Fires Everyone

In a jointly-opposed project Mr B. Johnson, MD of HR, and Mr Drake Watson, CEO, announced a new strategic staffing initiative and fired every single non-Fast-Track employee of the company. This decisive management move lead to both record cost-savings on unpaid wages and the production of massive levels of Synergy which was safely discharged into the atmosphere in a boiling vortex of impending doom. Dr D. Niles added at this point that: “There is no way this purposeful release of unparalleled levels of synergy will hasten the paradigm shift - which is isn't a thing - and destroy us all.”

Mr G. Lucas let it be known at this juncture that he had been able to reclaim virtually all redundancy pay from former-employees from marketing the Company's new line of survival supplies to them: Bread & Water.

Company Assets Seized by Administrators

The Company was forced to issue an apologetic memo to investors - A Mr A. Johnson and a Mr B. Johnson - at today's emergency board meeting due to the actions of company employee Mr A. Johnson who, invoking dark and terrible arcane forces, called in external Administrators to seize the Company's saleable assets. The Company has had to write down the value of its infrastructure holdings by approximately 99.92%, which included the sale of the board-room table. Mr A. Johnson has tendered his resignation from the Company and we have filed an appeal with the financial ombudsman which we expect to heard within the next 10 to 20 million years. Staff will be kept updated.

At approximately this time you will have seen a huge rift form in the sky above the Company. Eldritch horrors from beyond the stars promptly emerged and walked over the face of the earth dissolving the Company's assets, including the brand new HQ.

Shock Verdict in Trial of the Epoch

The DC courts today issued a ruling of censure against former Company employee, Mr A. Johnson, and current Managing Director, Mr B. Johnson. The Supreme Justice was quoted as saying “Due to the grievous nature of this inter-dimensional embezzlement I have no choice but to throw the Necronomicon at them.” The company disassociated itself with the Johnsons, and the CEO, as well as several former board members, testified against them in the trial. Mr Max Profit was quoted by the media as assuring the public that ”…we intend to see Justice done at any cost, even if we have storm the gates of heaven personally”.

FCB Announces Branch Clousures

The First Celestial Bank was today forced to issue a profit warning after Administrators were called in to its head office amid rumours about illegal activity on the part of its chairman…a one Mr A. Johnson. The troubled bank has announced branch closures across many of its planes of operation and it is thought that it may be centuries till it regains its market lead. Mr Max Profit was quoted by the media as saying “Bwhahahah!”.

Evacuation Plans Instituted

As the End of Days bears down on the company, a number of evacuation plans have been put into action, diverting necessary personnel and resources to various shelters, bunkers and parallel dimensions for safekeeping and inevitable releveraging of terrestrial assets.

Mr Wilberforce, Dr Sevens, Dr Eisenhower, Dr Dr Eisenhauer, Mr Collins, Dr Llyod, Mr Bernard and Ms. Smith and are roundly congratulated by the board for their efforts in this regard and their PR friendly compassion. Should the earth survive they are all invited to a special 'Director's Tea' with any surviving board members 1).

Rainbowland Spreads Passive-Aggressive Propaganda

The following flyer has been dropped in vast quantities over the remains of the Company campus by a rainbow-coloured hot air balloon.

Remnants of the Corporate oppressors! Know that your time has come, and this world is ours. Your former torture camp of Dangeria has become the glorious Free Nation of Rainbowland. All who would throw off the corporate chains and live in harmony are welcome to join us in rejoicing in Nature's glory!

This leaflet is made from recycled paper. Please dispose of it responsibly.


Gurus "Mysteriously" Vanish

Many Gurus seem to have disappeared of the surface of the Earth. Rumours abound about Flying Weapons of Mass Downsizing targeting them for redundancy in some form of revenge for what they have wrought upon The Market. Others believe they have all gone to some hidden retreat to ride out the businopocalypse. One only hopes they will survive the end. Otherwise there will be dark profit warnings on the horizon.

Project Ominous Monolith Successfully Completed

In positive news at a time of negative growth forecasts, the Company announced to the surviving world's media that its R&D department had completed on time and under budget the towering black monolith that now stands outside Company HQ. Dr Despair, chief engineer, lead scientist and first doom-technician was personally congratulated by Ada-Ferrari, MD of R&D, who told the gathering “I don't know what it does but I am fully behind it and I congratulate Dr Despair and Dr Eisenhauer's many iterations for making it hum quite so ominously”.

それは月ではありませんよ!! *

The dark bulk of Space Tokyo has been illuminated - the power has been switched back on thanks to the engineering efforts of Baron Aegis von Eisenhower, and the space-city is now capable of rapid movement under its own power and defence with banks of lasers. Wild stories circulate of hoverbikes, moustaches, and monsters hiding in the tall grass.

* I don't speak Japanese.

New CEO Appointed Amid Nosebleed Epidemic

Mr Greg Lucas, who has always been the CEO, was today apppointed became always has been the CEO of the Company and the Saviour of the World apparently. The remaining board members congratulated him on always having been, and continuing to be, the CEO while trying to stem their nosebleeds.

At about this time you will have seen huge expanding rings of Synergy expanding through the sky with a low throbbing sound and will suddenly have realised that Greg Lucas III is the CEO and saviour of the world. This will have been accompanied by a headache and severe nosebleed as you were bombard with Truth™.

Paradigm-Shift Goes Ahead Amid Confusion

The delayed Paradigm-Shift was today postponed from 11am to 2pm after considerable confusion about the natures, names and management of the external 4-person consultant team brought in to oversee the transitional period. A representative of Consultia Ltd., which is managing the paradigm-shift, was quoted as saying; “We have been forced to let Mr Redundancy go following poor performance reviews but are pleased to announce that his replacement 'Stagnation' has a long track record of good work in doomed-markets”.

Shortly after this, and accompanied by more Nosebleeds, it was announced that Consultia Ltd. was not, and had never, been in charge of the paradigm-shift and that a Mr Greg Lyman, a composite being of paradoxical madness, was in charge of the project all along. Honest. Staff were encouraged not to think about this least their tiny minds be torn asunder.

The Paradigm-shift then proceeded as planned, sweeping across the world in a tidal wave of synergistic fury, purging the earth of obsolete life-forms and out-moded businesses and distributing pamphlets about the benefits of 'Lymanism'. The project was only briefly delayed by the actions of a business-dragon-riding Mr Brannigan who attempted to downsize the consultancy team 'with avengeance'. The Company has distanced itself from his actions.

At about this time, a vast, tempestuous, wave of Synergy moved over the surface of the earth, destroying all before it and purging the planet of business. Before the storm, three in limos and one on a horse, rode the business-people of businopocalypse auditing the earth's assets.

Company Survives

The Company is pleased to announce that its incorporated status has survived the paradigm-shift due to the intervention of Mr Greg Lyman during the Businopocalypse and as such remains an active concern.

The surviving board members said that they look forward to do business in this brave new market place and would be organising a Employee Gathering 'under that tree over there by the pond' to celebrate the Company's weathering of a difficult financial period. The board also enquired if anyone in R&D knew how to make fire.

All that remains of the Company is the huge sign that reads “TOO BIG TO FAIL”, though it retains its incorporated status.

CEO Showdown Throws Board into Confusion

Drake Watson, CEO of the Company, today resigned in a huge explosion that levelled what remained of the Company campus. The resignation has been attributed to the spectacular failure of project 'CEO Security', high atop the ruins of Corporate HQ. The project's failure has been blamed on a point of managerial contention between Mr Watson and Mr Profit, MD of the PRM&S department.

Mr Watson was quoted as saying “I'll destroy you, you Bastard! I specifically said no traitors allowed!”

While Mr Profit responded “Over your dead body Watson! Its mine!”

The minutes were ended at this point in the meeting due to a simultaneous tiger-attack, detonation of a fusion-reactor and the ignition of several million gallons of high-octane fuel.

World Reborn

We are pleased to announce that in the wake of the paradigm-shift the earth has been left a verdant paradise untouched by the hand of businessman or hedge-fund. Surveys indicate the dominant sentient species is a race of peaceful mango-people - the Mangolians - who live in harmony with nature and know nothing of the free-market or BIG, BIG Savings on leading brands.

The Company looks forward to leveraging continued success from the grassroots up in this post-businopocalypse profit-landscape. Once again proving that the free-market solves all problems 2)

Earth Welcomes Return of Canada

In a surprise turn of events Canada has reappeared back in place in a burst of clocks, bringing with it its untamed beauty, untapped natural resources, and a significant quantity of hockey-playing business bears. Mole-like Canadians and employees who took shelter in the subterranean nation have been emerging from the wilderness for the past few hours and have been thanking the Company team that saved them from certain downsizing. Company employee Brad Collins has been awarded the 'Purple Maple' the highest honour the nation may bestow.

Towering above the ex-nation is a the mighty world-maple tree from which gentle rainbows seem to pour, bathing the lands below, though it is also covered in adverts for a variety of exciting start-up companies.

He Who Controls the Dragon Controls the Marketplace

Mr Chuck Brannigan, Executive Director of HR, today declared himself Supreme Generalissimo, Father of the World and King of the Mangolians. Declaring board leadership null-and-void and rejecting any shareholder claims upon the earth, Mr Brannigan and his troops are now managing the majority of Mangolian secular activities and their start-up totalitarian regime looks set to grow rapidly. The Company has yet to respond to Mr Brannigan's actions citing the fact that he has enormous business-Dragon and a bunch of loyal alien-human hybrids at his command.

The world you will emerge into is a lush paradise, covered in virgin rainforests and bountiful biospheres, full of animals and plants you never seen before and none of which seem to do Business. The dominant species seem to be a race of adorable sentient mango people, they know nothing of war, free-markets or commerce. They appear to worship Pat Lyman and Greg Lucas as divinities, a god of death and a god of productivity respectively. The mangolian population is secularly ruled by Supreme Generalissimo Chuck Brannigan.

Near the surviving Company sign is a vast black monolith towering on the horizon…it seems to have survived the paradigm-shift and hums ominously. To the north stretch the lands of Canada, from their centre rising a titanic tree, covered in adverts for exciting new startup companies for a new world, rainbows gently flowing from its upper branches. In the sky high above a huge space vessel appears to be preparing for landing. It looks rather old-fashioned (think retro space-rings) and bears a Company logo on its side with the words “The Eden Programme” emblazoned beneath.


  • Not even Pineapples can save us now!
  • I'm alive! How on Earth am I alive?!
  • DOG will NEVER Die.
  • Rainbowland Forever!
  • Yggdrasil, root of all marketing.
1) Please note: three drink minimum
2) Please note: our lawyers have informed that given the recent destruction of everything, and the numerous legal suits being brought against Fast-Track members for gross-negligence and premeditated murder, that this statement is not in fact legally binding and that it a remains a point of contention as to whether the free-market solves problems.
news_turn7.txt · Last modified: 2012/06/12 17:40 by gm_oliver
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