News Turn 6

CPNY: +6.93% 19,048; DOG: -100.00% 0; MHI +7.00% 4,0883; NIX +5.4% 1,591; 9,460; RST +5.10% 19,019; TMK -0.34% 3,575, MONO -3.05% 15,097

Employees of the Month

The Company would like to congratulate the following employees for leveraging ground-breaking levels of multi-dimensional Success! in a challenging market. Their pictures will be hung on the brand new wall of dominion in the new company tower and they will each receive a life-time supply of Homeopathic Concrete™ 1)and a unit of synergy.

G. Lucas - Lingo mastery
M. Profit - Arcitecture of the damned.
S. Artosis - Pushing boundaries in adverto-blackmail.

New CEO elected Amid Steamy End to the Board Meeting

The following announcements and videos are seen from various monitors throughout the currently fixed and not currently burning buildings across the company

Max Profit has been elected as CEO, please stand by for a message from the office of the CEO:

Fools! Now that I am your CEO nothing can stop me! Under my iron fisted rule, we shall become the MOST POWERFUL CORPORATE ENTITY IN THE WORLD. Mwahahahaha!

Any complaints/queries should be addressed in person to my secretary Cornelius on the top floor.

The text announcement is cut off by a video of what appears to be Max Profit “If you are watching this then you are considering making me CEO. I would like to point out, that in my honest opinion, my co-worker, and inspirational leader, Drake Watson should be CEO instead. He taught me everything I know. If you would support me, instead support him. The reason I am recording this is that I fear that in the future I may be swayed and weak enough to want to stand for CEO, despite a better candidate being availibale. This is my apology for being so weak. Please ignore my wish to be CEO and support Drake for a better, more efficient company. Let him be CEO in my place.”

This video is cut off by a clip of Max Profit and Drake Watson passionately kissing. The rest of the board can be seen behind them, sitting in silence. Another announcement interrupts.

Drake Watson is the new CEO?

Since these aired, disgruntled whispers have spread across the company almost as quickly as the business fire last quarter. The whole thing seems extraordinarily dubious. Most seem concerned about the lack of votes Watson had. Some think the videos were an elaborate ruse. A few don't seem to care. And some want to see another steamy Profit/Watson kiss.

New CEO Spearheads High Profile New Project

High-Profile Project: CEO Security
Initiator: D.Watson
Supervisor: D.Watson
Serial Number: 1

Project Description

Recently the number of accidents occuring to important employees of the company has risen to unacceptable levels. Help secure our most valuable individual by coming up with new and innovative ways to protect him. Applicants meet me in my office, no traitors allowed.

Gurus Gone Wild: Company Denies Businopocalypse

Article from the Daily Paper's Rates and Ragnarök column

Over the past fiscal quarter Company gurus have leveraged unparalleled levels of Synergy, proving once and for all that the Company has cornered the market when it comes to High Effective synergistic financial manipulation. Markets have responded positively to this awesome display of business might with large-scale hedging against Future Futures. Said one trader on the floor of the NYSE 'If the existencial downturn comes to pass we could be looking at record returns in this coming quarter'.

From the Company's Weather Report: Sponsored by CFCs

”…Thanks Pam. Synergy storms continued to cause havoc worldwide today and many regions of the earth are under a class 5 'Business Kill-Storm' warning…”

”…so remember folks, stay indoors. Synergy discharges are continuing to pose a danger to those outside, converting anything they touch into photocopiers, piles of staplers and petty cash slips….”

”…Sounds great Sam. Looks like we can look forward to a beautiful weekend!”

From Dr D. Niles testimony before the senate sub-committee on corporate responsibility

“We reject any implication that Synergy usage for business purposes is causing these so called 'effects'. Those claiming that 'We're all doomed', 'Those monster's in the Company will destroy us all' and 'Arggg! I'm Burning! Burning!' are clearly marxist malcontents attempting to disrupt the free market.”

“The recent atmospheric effects are nothing more than optical illusions caused by a combination of swamp gas, weather balloons and experimental aircraft. The Company has always cared, and will continue to care, about the environment. Need I remind the committee that we started the world's first high-intensity Panda Farm as part of our Conservation Hut Fast food chain and preserved the last square mile of rainforest for future generations with the world's largest laminator.”

Revolutionary PR Campaign Leverages Largest Refugee Crisis in History

From the news wire

The world was rocked earlier this quarter by the detonation of a high-yield nuclear device in Rome. The bomb in question scattered radiation throughout Italy and the rest of the Mediterranean basin. The peaceful country of Robonia, whose denizens are vastly more resistant to radiation than typical consummers (due in part to the toxic lead alloy used in their contruction), has declared this an act of war and vowed to bring down the Company the feel was responsible.

Meanwhile, among mounting fears of wind-borne radiation and radioactive killbot attacks, millions of people have made attempts to relocate to space. Space Tokyo and the site of the future Company Space-Based Housing Initiative (Coming FY80) has not been sufficient to house the refugees. Millions are feared to have succumbed to the vacuum of space, and the death toll is expected to skyrocket as more and more people are catapulted beyond the ionosphere where there is nowhere to put them. Confrontations between the refugees and the monsters still prowling Space Tokyo are also responsible for numerous deaths.

The conditions in the makeshift camps are disastrous, as water, oxygen and gravity are in short supply, leading to riots and spontaneous airlockings.

Speech at the annual PR and Product Placement Awards

“And congratulations to the winners of this years 'Best Advertising Campaign', Mr Greg Lucas and Mr Sven Artosis of The Company.”

“Their revolutionary 'Relocate or Die' campaign, that saw 90% of the world's consumer flee into space, has pushed back new boundaries in consumer uptake and fear-mongering and shown us all that you don't need gimmicks to reach out to the common people, just a high-yield atomic device and a well place threat.”

“So congratulations and lets have a warm round of applause.”

Lunar Assets Frozen

An excerpt from Company-Approved Hobbies, a Company magazine.

Astronomers and astrologers alike have had a field day – or rather, field year – these past quarters, and recent events are no different. Many were worried by the increasing smog levels in the sky of late, but these have been cleared thanks to cloud-seeding efforts, though it is unclear if this is the work of the Company or our rivals.

Stargazers are now rewarded with perfectly clear skies, through which to observe the moon's new state: no longer aflame, the moon's surface has frozen solid, and it is constantly surrounded by a beautiful corona of freezing vapour.

Employees are reminded that stargazing should not be attempted on Company time.

A Company Profit Warning

Projected for The Company's coming fiscal quarter were today revised down after news that is monopoly on sunlight had been ended by the removal of Tokyo from the inter-solar market. A company spokesman assured reporters that 'We will continue to aim to plunge the world into darkness so that we can provide it with the highest quality light possible.'

Strategic Mango Stockpile Nearing Depletion

Report from the Fruits and Legumes Stock Market


The Strategic Mango Stockpile, set aside after the mango futures collapse of Q4 FY73, is nearing its end. Recent Company requisition of daily amounts of mangoes have led to rapid depletion of leftover stocks. The market collapse led to a complete worldwide halt on mango production. The stockpile is unlikely to be replenished any time soon. Mango prices have sky-rocketed worldwide as investors rush to acquire mangos in the greatest market run since the south-seedless grape bubble of FY 14.

Last Terrestrial Consumer Placed in Company Zoo

From the Company's Conservation Bulletin

What with the company's revolutionary 'Relocate or Die' advertising campaign and rising levels of atmospheric radiation and Synergy, the last terrestrial consumer has been captured and placed within the Company zoo in a specially constructed mall where the consumer has access to all the high-calorie food and exciting new products it could desire.

This controlled environment will allow for the consumer to be advertised to in a secure environment where Company conservation scientists can develop new methods to breed the consumer using the latest in probe-based fertility techniques.

The Consumer is available for viewing 9am to 5 pm on weekdays.


Des Moines Under Siege by Abominations

Des Moines, ancestral home of the Company's headquarters, recently saw a precipitous drop in real estate value as it was simultaneously assaulted by legions of ex-employed construction workers and cyborgs.

The ex-employed, who have been feasting on the currently employed, were apparently contracted to build the new Company headquarters. Their task now accomplished, they mill around, devour the existing workforce, and generally make a mess of suburban neighbourhoods. Unless the ex-employed are put to productive work soon their effect on Company staffing could be dramatic, in what recruitment professionals are calling 'a brain drain'.

The cyborgs, meanwhile, appear to be under the command of a being known as “The Posteisenhauer”, and have been rampaging, machinegunning and assaulting their way through various urban areas. Military strike teams sent to slow down the assimilation processes have themselves been assimilated. Unless the cyborgs are stopped soon, you too may end up with a chip in your brain and machine guns for arms.

All hail Pat, Dark Lord of Death!

A sermon by a priest of Pat

“And lo, Pat the Mecha did defeat the false god Mr. A Jackal, and ascend to his rightful role as Dark Lord of Death™, CEO of Pyramid Inc. And he watches over us still, guiding and inspiring us as Pat the Holy News Anchor. Here, have a pamphlet.”

Several weeks ago everyone everyone everywhere will suddenly have known with absolute certainty that Pat Lyman was the Lord of Death. Millions fell to the ground in worship worldwide and vast prayer ceremonies began where charismatic preachers proselytized the profitability of praising Pat. Several days later everyone in the world developed a severe nosebleed and the fervour seemed to wear off slightly.

Reality's Largest Bank Under New Managment

Press release from the First Celestial Bank

FCB is pleased to announce that it has appointed a new chairman of the board, the first in over 12 millennia.

Mr A. Johnson joins us as a successful graduate of The Company's Fast Track to Success program and brings a wealth of experience in matters legal and financial.

The FCB would like to take this chance to assure its depositors that it's fiscal alignment will not be altered by this appointment and that it remains committed to sound ethical investment and good-orientated brand placement.

Employee Contracts Renegotiated and Pension Plan Abolished

From the office of B. Johnson Managing Director of Fiance and Human Resources

The Department is pleased to announce another great step forward in worker relations. We at the company have always valued hard work and moxy but until today the most go-getting and objective-orientated employees have not always been the most well rewarded.

So it is with great pleasure that we are introducing the sliding scale pay scheme that pays employees in line with their worth to the company. This will see our best performers and most productive assets rewarded with bonuses and perks.

Of course we can't all be the best, and some employees, such as a third of employees, may find their pay being reduced in line with their comparative failure and lack of company spirit by approximately 100 to 102%. We understand that some employees may find this new fiscal strategy difficult at first but we ask them to remember our new slogan at all times “Work = Food”.

Should you have complaints they may be addressed to one of our 'indentured-employee driver managers', who may be identified by their HR issue whips.

HR memo to all staff

Dear Employee,

As of this moment the company pension plan has been abolished. Since even the weakest and most sickly employee are now given the privilege of working for the foreseeable future the pension plan is no longer necessary. The fund will be wound up and your contributions used to build a new statue in the lobby depicting our glorious management board.

Largest Suit in History Brought Against Company and it's Directors

Statement from Charles Goldberg of law firm Kthulhu, Kthulhu & Goldberg

My Client is bringing this lawsuit against The Company and it's board of directors for misappropriation of non-Euclidean funds, gross negligence, grievous tentacular harm and mental anguish beyond the comprehension of man. I am confident that our claim stands on a sound legal footing and will be upheld by the DC court. I look forward to arguing the case on its merits and undoing the terrible injustice that has been suffered by my client, who, as being of unfathomable horror, has already had to overcome so much adversity.

Statement from the Company's Legal Department

The company denies all knowledge of the accusations made against it in relation to insider stock-trading and looks forward to a speedy settlement of this frivolous legal Elder suit.

Shortly before the company gathering vast oily black tentacles (many covered in bandages) erupted from floor 87 of the new company tower and ensnared the building, and much of the surrounding countryside, serving summons and letters of censure.

Lord Hiss Retires

Mass memo from the Facilities Department

Lord Bernard Hiss yesterday decided to retire from corporate life, citing health reasons. He will henceforth act as the head of Hiss & Hiss Consultancy, a top level business firm headquartered somewhere in China. Lord Hiss has not been seen since his retirement party, but the Company assures us that rumours of his having been entombed alive are greatly exaggerated.

New Company Building for a New Business Age

Company Announcement

The New Company Productivity-Maximising Campus is once again graced by the presence of the Company Headquarters' building: a monolithic black tower sporting a sign emblazoned with the words TOO BIG TO FAIL. The New Company Headquarters features a rooftop helipad, docking bays for the science pods and colossal mechanical spider legs that enable it to move about under its own power and rise above the swarms of zombies and cyborgs infesting Des Moines.

The Smorky the Bear Memorial Foundation for the Prevention of Business Fires has given the new building a Triple-A Star rating on its fireproof scale.

Memo to all Staff

Staff are invited to the Grand-Gala opening of the new Company HQ/Doom-fortress which will be opened at the next-company gathering by the CEO.

Light refreshments and heavy security will be provided.

DOG is Dead

A Company News report

The enigmatic Distributed Operations Group ceased to exist this past quarter – if it ever existed at all. Famed for its undefined product portfolio and unrivalled profit margins, the DOG has fallen in the wake of the death of its CEO and sole confirmed employee, Wumplekins Doggerington. In a video press release prepared in the event of his death, Doggerington said,

”Woof. Bow wow. Grrrrr,” before cocking his leg against the camera and walking out of shot.

Stay tuned for an exclusive retrospective of this truly unique corporate entity, featuring newly unearthed facts and insights. From its founding in the wake of Doggerington's owner's tragic death in her retirement home to the scramble to uncover DOG's (literally) buried assets in the wake of its collapse, we tell it all…

Quebec "Fixed"

PR statement from the Imperial Office

Thanks to the peerless efforts of brave Company men and women, the gigantic gaping hole in Quebec has now been fixed. The Grand Protectorate is once again watertight and capable of devoting all of its energies to waging war against its various invisible, and assuredly heavily armed enemies.

In other news a new mining agreement has been signed with 'The Company' for the extraction of sub-terrestrial maple resources for export. Please address all concerns to the board of trade.


  • Agadoo-do-doo push pineapple shake my tree. Agadoo-do-doo it's the holy melody. To the left. To the right. Genuflect onto one knee. Agadoo-do-doo it's the holy melody.
  • The Resistance II does not approve of violence.
  • That's not a moon! Oh no, wait, it is.
1) now with over 6 fewer atoms of concrete per cubic giga-litre
news_turn6.txt · Last modified: 2012/06/05 15:13 by gm_oliver
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