News Turn 5

CPNY: -20.3% 19,048; DOG: +1.23% 3,781; MHI +0.00% 4,023; NIX -75.4% 1,491; 9,460; RST +5.10% 19,019; TMK -0.34% 3,575, MONO -67.05% 15,987

Employees of the Month

Profit Through Productivity

The Company would like to officially congratulate the three employees of the month for the last fiscal quarter. They are a shining beacon of corporate achievement and a model for all other employees. Their pictures will be hung on the wall of glory in the cafeteria and they will each receive a complementary 'Spife - The Multi-purpose Spoon With Razor Sharp Edges 1) ' and a unit of Synergy.

  • Mr Pollock for a memorable Party.
  • A. Johnson for pushing the boundaries of acquisitions.
  • D. Camber for protecting the company in its darkest hour.

Company Shares Slide on Leadership Fears

From the Financial News Wires

Rumours are swirling today that Ms. Dominique D'Vere was today elected to the CEOship of the Company during an unscheduled leadership vote at the Mega-Corps board meeting.

We also hearing rumours that Ms. D'Vere was today downsized in what one employee is describing as a 'tragic enchanted-sword-through-the-heart related accident'.

This leaves the Company in something of a predicament with its CEO position unfilled.

More to come.

Press Release from Company HQ

We would like to reassure our investors that 'The Company' remains on a strong financial footing, with record cash reserves and a legal arsenal to strike terror into our competitor's hearts.

Unprecedented employee ambition, drive-to-win and blood-lust among our Fast Track members have made this a challenging time for the board, with numerous unexpected reshuffles and the loss of some experience directors due to health reasons.

However, we are pleased to announce to stock markets that the best and brightest are now in charge of the Company and its assets. These new industrial stars will guide to a new era of profitability and growth because they are not, and we repeat not, a bunch of self serving, murderous monsters.

From the Company's Memorial Service

“Dominique D'Vere was an inspiration to us all. We mourn her loss and that of those who perished when she collided with the L&A building at high-velocity” Were the moving words uttered today by a tearful intern at the Company Memorial Service for its recently downsized employees. The Conference room was packed with mourners praising Dominique, Manitoba, Prof. Doctor Doctor, Jake Bloom and other employees dear to the Company whose loss has deeply affected not only the Company's internal structure dynamics but also the wider business world.

Mourners came from far and wide to pay their respects to these departed titans of business. The CEO assured mourners that, while the job count may yet rise, it will not impact the Company's profit margins. The service concluded with a twenty-minute presentation of Ave Maria.

Bloom's Send-Off Enjoyed By All

A Moving Memo sent out by PRMS

Beloved head of PRMS, Jake Bloom, retired this quarter, to widespread gratitude and goodwill from his peers. Analysts cite the long-term need to make way for up-and-coming young blood, and the short-term effects of being crushed by a flaming tiger. Despite widespread burns among attendees of his retirement party due to a sprinkler malfunction, victims of the party remain positive about the experience.

“It was just infectious, you know? Everyone was having a great time, talking, laughing, burning. These things happen, right?” said Shaun Maven, a manager in PRMS, during visiting hours at the Company's burn ward.

Half a dozen adorable kittens were rescued from the ruins of the conference room, alive and well. They have been given good homes with the families of those who didn't make it out in time.

Company Campus Collapses in Conflagration

Shortly before the Company Gathering a fire alarm sounded as fire enveloped the campus. This was followed by a large explosion that caused the L&A building to fall onto the HR building resulting in a domino effect that levelled the corporate campus

The Company Productivity-Maximising Campus was destroyed earlier this week by a colossal conflagration thought to be due to improperly transported pyrotechnics. Due to the recent bankruptcy of Integrated Insurance, the Company Productivity-Maximising Campus was no longer insured.

The blaze was described by one PRMS employee as “totally rad, until it started burning the buildings.” L&A interns were seen in the early hours of the morning rooting through the wreckage looking for any surviving scraps of paperwork with which to do business. Executives are furious at having to hold meetings in emergency conference rooms and being housed in prefabricated offices.

The R&D building is still standing, but chances are high that everything else will have to be demolished and rebuilt.

HR Memo sent to all employees

Dear Employees,

To remind all employees of the importance of goggle-wearing and the stop-drop-do-not-sue technique we will be holding a refresher course on 'Fire Safety' that will be replacing the next company gathering. Attendance is mandatory for all employees.

Quebec Perforated

From the pages of the Imperial Quebec Gazette

Une explosion colossale a secoué Québec hier soir. Les premieres nouvelles nous indiquent qu'une arme a déchiré un trou en dessous de la ligne de flottaison. Tandis que la nation commence à prendre de l'eau, les habitants ont succombé à la panique, parlant d'arbres sous la terre et de la fin des jours.

L'explosion a apparement été causée par un certain Drake Watson, employé par la Company, qui se trouvait au Quebec pour des raisons de business. Sa Majesté Impériale a déclaré que ceci fut un acte d'agression et jure représailles sanglantes sur le Watson.

Pendant ce temps, des millions de travailleurs luttent pour garder le Protectorat à flot, au lieu de passer leur temps précieux dans les exercices de formation et les essais d'armes.

They took the plunge, why won't you?

In association with illustrious reimagineer, Greg Lucas Jr III, Mick & Pat's latest show, an extreme sports show called 'Take the Plunge', is taking the world by storm. The first episode aired last week, boasting the highest ratings ever (or at least since the new records began). And really, is it any surprise? There's excitement, explosions, business sharks and lasers, lasers everywhere - and that's just the beginning! Surveys indicate that worldwide happiness was raised as Manitoba Saskatchewan's epic death-by-exploding-harpoon was broadcast. And these guys just don't stop - those same surveys indicate that worldwide happiness was raised yet again when the reimagineer, Lucas, also appeared to meet a grisly end in the many, highly organised rows of business shark teeth. Some fans of Lucas are reportedly boycotting the show, but others are at the edges of their sofas, waiting for the next episode. All we have to ask is: are you ready to take the plunge?

World Stock Markets Rocked by Massive Pension Exposure

Report on Money-Cast from the Channel

Mega-Corporations worldwide were rocked today by the collapse of Pyramid Inc. the world leading supplier of post-vital recruitment consultancy. Employees everywhere are no longer being downsized in accordance with standard practice and natural law, remaining on corporate property despite massive injury, incineration or old age. A Pyramid Inc. employee was quoted as saying;

“With the CEO, Mr Jackal, missing presumed downsized we are unable to continue operating in this hostile marketplace and will be ceasing all services as of monday.”

With pension plans predicated on regular member turnover, this 'end to death' has left mega-corporations with massive exposure to pension deficits that threaten to wipe out profits within five years.

Company wide memo from the CEO


The Company values your service and I would like to assure you at this time that we have every intention of honouring our commitment to the pension plan. However, with staff now expected to live for the foreseeable future estimated costs for the fund have risen from $23 Billion per annum to $∞, this is expected to severely hurt our bottom line.

Hence I am designating as High-Profile a project to solve this problem and ensure that costs for the pension scheme are made manageable, ideally by ensuring that staff can once more be reliably downsized.

Dictated but not read,


During the last fiscal quarter all staff will have seen a huge Jackal headed business man fighting a robotic, pineapple-coloured scarab beetle in the Company's parking lot. The Jackal headed figure exploded shortly thereafter.

Space Tokyo Moved, Sun Scorching

Space Tokyo was recently moved to a higher orbit from its previous L1 position between the Earth and the Sun. The monster-infested city, now sporting two punctures, is also no longer covering the sun in its entirety. A ring-of-fire effect was observed by earth-based employees, who promptly went blind from looking at it for too long.

Other employees have been heard to complain of tanning too easily now and the melting ice caps are leaving many seaside corporate retreats with much-reduced space for activities.

If something isn't done to reduce the amount of radiation falling to earth from the sun and the still-burning moon, it may be the end of life as we know it, ushering in a glorious age of year-round tropical sunshine and boosting sales of Corpo-Cocktails such as the Company Libre (Company-brand Rum and Corpo-Cola).

Campus Ruins Infested by Cyborg Abominations?

Corporate scavengers, searching through the ruins of the Company Productivity-Maximising Campus for scraps of presentations or branded stationery, have lately been spreading tales of abominations roaming through the ruins. According to the accounts, the abominations are likely employees of the company, augmented by chips and implants and acting in concert.

They appear to dwell in the warrens beneath the former HR building, occasionally venturing out to capture scavengers in order to fit them with implants and thus swell their numbers.

The Company Travel Advisory Bureau cautions all employees not to venture into the Campus ruins alone and unarmed, so as not to serve as the abominations' next meal.

New PotUS Unexpectedly Inaugurated

Following an unforunate incident in which the White House was destructively reengineered by Dr von Steel, the first 100 men and women in the line of sucession to the presidency are unfortunately no longer with us.

As a result, Harold, the Secretary of State for Geology, number #103 on the list was been sworn in as the new President of the United States (DC Division). Reputedly exceptionally charismatic, little is known about this elusive figure.

During his inaugural address the man of few words achieved a record 38 rounds of applause from the floor of the House over the course of his six-hour speech.

Spectacular Aurora Businessalis Fills Sky

The night sky is now filled with a glorious display as glittering curtains of raw synergy race across the firmament, leaving ethereal profit projections, mind-maps, strategy directives in their wake in the sky. All Highly Effective People will be able to feel their skin itching due to the massive build up of raw synergy.

Report from the UN Commission the Business Environment

Due to unprecedented guru activity and extra-corporate business dealings, synergy levels in earth's atmosphere have now reached levels never seen since records began in 10,000BC when the records were mysteriously destroyed in some sort of worldwide event…We are concerned that man-made synergy increase poses a threat to the free market and our entire way of life…Unless systems to limit synergy usage, such as the synergy-credits trading scheme to limit company usage of synergy, are put in place we fear the rapid onset of global paradigms the likes of which we have never seen before.

Radio interview with Dr D. Niles Chief scientific lobbyist for The Company

“This concept of man-made Synergy increase is patently ridiculous. Atmospheric synergy has increased and decreased throughout history and has nothing to do with the amount of business mankind is doing. Its almost certainly due to solar flares or wind turbines.”

“Those trying to convince us otherwise are nothing more than anti-business pinkos who will do irreparable harm to the global economy with their meddling.”

“This is the global warming scare all over again and look how that turned out…I would have thought we would have learned our lesson by now and would stop giving creedence to these ridiculous leftist conspiracy theories.”

“Now if you'll excuse me I'm supposed to be travelling to Greenland; my wife is expecting me for piña coladas on the beach.”

Giga-Corp IPO goes Giga-Wrong

Report from the Financial Column in the Daily Newspaper - Monday

Yesterday the Lenov group, IF, Terrafogo, News Corp, Onibayashi and Ouroboros mega-corporations announced a new strategic partnership involving a conglomeration of their stock options and management structure, forming the first Giga-Corporation with a market capitalisation of over $800 Trillion.

Rumour suggests that this merger comes in response to fears about the threat posed by 'The Company' whose recent acquisitions have seen it generate record growth, which has largely been attributed to the success of its 'Fast Track to Success' programme that has seen record levels of ambition and amorality leveraged for the Company.

The CEO of Monopoly Co., the newly formed Giga-corp, was quoted as saying;

“This new partnership will allow us to compete effectively in a hostile marketplace and protect us from unprecedented levels of corporate psychopathy.!”

Report from the Financial Column in the Daily Newspaper - Thursday

Shares in Monopoly Co. plummeted today after its HR department was forced to report the simultaneous loss of every single Highly Effective person within the company as a result of an unexpected 'punitive tax' imposed by extra-corporate entities beyond the comprehension of men.

The board of Monopoly Co. has been scrabbling to restore order to the company but investors remain unimpressed and its value is expected to slide further when markets reopen on Friday.

CPNY Issues Third Profit Warning of Quarter

Report from the Financial Column in the Daily Newspaper - Friday

Things seem to be going south for The Company in addition to Monopoly Co. as it is forced to issue its third profit warning this quarter. The first profit warning came on Tuesday, and is now largely regarded by analysts as an attempt to post record profits in the next quarter by pulling forward relevant expenses.

The second was of course linked to the Corporate Pension Defecit following the end of death. We here at The Daily Newspaper Company believe this will be a temporary situation that will be resolved by members of the Company Fast Track programme.

However, news has just broken of a Ponzi schme based on Derivative X. This fiscal engineering scheme seems to have massively backfired on the Company's Financial department as it attempted to close in on the opening in the insurance market left by the fall of Integrated Finance. If nothing is done, the Company could be in some serious trouble and its Finance department is looking very bad after this dramatic failure.

Nuclear Explosion near old UK

From the BBC, a Corporation news source
In the early hours of Friday morning a large explosion was reported off the coast of Wales. As the moon set an exceptionally spectacular mushroom cloud was reported.

A recent press release from the Office of the Eurpoean Environmental Regulator indicates that this was part of a coverup attempt by the Company attempting to hide a Nanite spill that was consuming all available matter in the area.

Court proceedings against the company for the radioactive contamination of most of Northern Europe have been opened, as well as a linked investigation into the illegal transportation of nanites within EU waters.

Company Improves, Better Than Ever

From a Company Internal Memorandum

The Company would like to reassure all employees that changes at the highest levels of management are unlikely to negatively impact their day-to-day productivity. While the Company is currently without a Chief Executive Officer, you should do your best to remain productive and profitable.

The recent shakeups among the board of directors are also no cause for alarm, despite the catastrophic and preposterous body count. The Company is constantly improving and reinventing itself to stay ahead of market trends and on the bleeding edge of corporate profitability. Please do not hesitate to consult the company Management Hierarchy to stay up-do-date with our exciting improvements.


  • Take part in the PineapplePositive+™ Pro Poker tournament and win Premium Prizes!
  • Mecha Pat's potent pineapple powers can downsize deadly deities.
  • The new president is a rock! No, really!
  • There are squid in the water coolers!
  • Fire!


1) ideal for whittling, shaving, eating yoghurt, cutting diamonds or feeding your baby
news_turn5.txt · Last modified: 2012/05/29 15:25 by gm_fabio
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