Turn 4 News

CPNY: -1.3% 21,049; DOG: -4.39% 3,101; IFX +8.43% 2,317; LVG -1.25% 1,799; MHI +0.00% 4,023; NIX -75.4% 1,491; OBS +5.90% 2,888; OGL +0.03% 9,460; RST +5.10% 19,019; TMK -0.34% 3,575

The Company would like to officially congratulate the three employees of the month for the last fiscal quarter. They are a shining beacon of corporate achievement and a model for all other employees. Their pictures will be hung on the wall of glory in the cafeteria and they will each receive a complementary can of 'Baby-B-Gone - the nations leading baby repellent ¹⁾' and a unit of Synergy.

• J. Pollock for advances in cinematography.
• C. Lloyd for makin' it rain.
• B. Smith for an efficient way to transfer money.

A flyer posted throughout the Company.

Dear Employees,

The biannual board meeting will soon be upon us. In order to facilitate manager-employee dialogues and create a more convivial workplace environment, you are all invited to a special coffee-break in the Board Room Antechamber. There, you will have the opportunity to voice your concerns, opinions, and thoughts to the assembled members of the board before they begin their deliberations on this Meeting's agenda.

From the Channel's Financial Coverage

According to documents recently obtained by the Courts of the District of Columbia, the Company has been involved in a number of “non-legal activities” and has been committing financial fraud on a massive scale.

Judge Emmett Judy of DC was quoted as saying; 'The full force of the law will be brought against The Company and any evidence of wrongdoing will be discovered and punished'.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the CEO of the Company responded that; 'These accusations are categorically false and slanderous, but have nevertheless prompted a full inquiry into our recent activities which we look forward to with a sense of surety and openness, confident that we will be exonerated. We at the Company have always strived to operate in a caring and eco-friendly way and we urge consumers to look past these allegations'.

The following memorandum has been classified FOR INTERNAL EYES ONLY

The Company has designated as high-profile a project to ensure that the Company's assets are protected during a massive legal audit by the District of Columbia. Evidence of the Company's extralegal activities must not fall into the hands of the courts. All employees subpoenaed are advised to keep their testimony as factual as possible unless it would put the Company in danger of litigation and are reminded that their pensions are dependant on loyalty and that time spent under questioning does not count as overtime. Shredders and burning barrels will be available on all floors for the filing of sensitive documents and staff are requested to keep locked any sensitive areas of the Company that may be off-message with our client facing innocence branding.

Much-admired leader Carol Kelly was down-sized last quarter when she took the first opponent she could not defeat: a ball of fire and accompanying blast wave that took out her entire home and burned the remains to ash. Company Fire investigators report that the source of the explosion was either a bomb planted in her oven or a highly defective oven. Although she survived the bomb attack that failed to eliminate the board some months ago, it is theorised that this time her life was claimed because she had no convenient employees to hide behind.

Tributes continue to pour in from her co-workers and allies:

“She wasss a capable co-worker, and will be missssssed.” - Lord Bernard Hiss

“Who?” - Manitoba Saskatchewan

According to measurements taken around the world, the level of background synergy is increasing at a rapid rate. Scientists are baffled by the cause of this, but agree that there can be no conceivable drawbacks to the steady rise in the power of business.

“When was the last time an uncontrolled power spike caused problems for anyone?” asked Absalom Cantina, a man in a labcoat and plausible scientist. “Gurus of all habits look forward to the changes ahead, that should allow the Company to harness the arcane forces of Success! In ways never before imagined.'

A recent news report from the financial action news!

Germany-2, which was recently used as a floating tax haven for megacorporations, has now become spaceborne. Sources inside the Chancellor Watson-ruled country have claimed that this was an effort to be even more tax-evasive than ever. Germany-2's banks have nevertheless seen a sharp decrease in investment as corporations fear that their removal from the atmosphere is a sign of an impeding move away from terrestrial accountability practices.

In other news, Quebec, which so recently crushed News Incorporated with a variety of superweapons, vowed to bring Germany-2 crashing to the ground. Grand Emperor Claude Lestrode X vowed to make his country “even better armed and deadliest than it ever was!” Hostilities are expected to begin any day now and the full might of both nation's strategic MAD weapons are expected to be leveraged.

A newly formed group calling themselves the Resistance-2 have been conducting a series of raids against Quebec's positions, leaving behind a number of heavily-armed cardboard cutouts of the Chancellor of Germany 2 in their wake. Expect more news at 2.

An advert for the Company's Dangeria retreat

Numbers of employees experiencing the full wonders Dangeria has to offer are higher than ever! And it's about time, too. After all, who doesn't love a chainsaw cannon to the face? Delightful dismemberment? Dynamic decapitation? All that and the chance to be on the new kids' comedy show, “Deliriously Dangerian”? Employees are practically racing to be part of the downsizing movement. And no wonder. After all, this certainly isn't the birthplace of the recently formed (and totally non-existent) Resistance 2. No such organisation exists. It never has. And it never will. Especially not in association with Dangeria.

A widely circulated HR memo

The human resources department, under Mr Johnson, is pleased to announce a downsizing initiative of unprecedented scale. Leveraging the successes of Projects High Voltage, Deep Throat and Optimax layoffs never before dreamed of have been implemented throughout all departments. The board is thrilled to announce that anti-corporate elements have suffered a credit downgrading that will place them in negative equity for the foreseeable future. The Company would like to take this chance to express to all remaining employees how important your continued loyalty is to our success and your job security. If you suspect anyone of anti-corporate please report them to your nearest roving band of Optimax employees who can be identified by the wild look in their eyes.

Press release from The Company

The Company is thrilled to announce a new financial partnership with the world's leading supplier of bureaucratic overheads, auditing services and torture. This agreement will ensure that The Company maximises profits on non-corporeal assets in a an ever expanding metaphysical marketplace. We look look forward to a long and productive relationship with our new and definitely benevolent partner. All press queries and requests for market details should be addressed to Ms. B. Smith at our head office.

From the Daily Newspapers Industry Column

Spokesman for the Company's new trading partner, a Mr Stan, gave a brief statement saying that:

“I am delighted to have opened up friendly relations with The Company, a mega-corporation after my own heart. I am sure that together we can leverage unprecedented levels of consumer uptake and paperwork for the foreseeable eternity.”

From the Office of the CEO

The CEO would like to congratulate Mr A Johnson on his promotion to managing director of the L&A department. This has been a time of upheaval for Legal and Acquisitions and we would like to thank Mr Shark for all his hard work over the past four years and we look forward to recovering all of his remains for a leaving party. However, we trust that Mr Johnson will provide a new vision and direction for the department in these challenging market conditions.

HR memo from Sam Samuels, PA to Ms. D’vere

Some staff may have noticed some slight damage to the summit of building 6 and a large build up of ice. We would like to take this opportunity to assure staff that Ms D’Vere has the matter firmly in claw hand and will be taking immediate action to ensure that her dominion over the department endures for the foreseeable future. Please note that a small aircraft will be circling the F&HR building in the coming weeks for auditing purposes and that any staff who find themselves confusing this with a large, angry fire breathing dragon are incorrect and should please report to the roof and start waving their arms in an easily visible manner.

All staff will be able to see that a large black dragon is currently circling the ruined summit of building 6, occasionally blasting the wreckage with gouts of blue fire. It appears to be extremely angry.

An increasing number of savage beatings are making the streets unsafe at night - and often during the day - and it seems that the guilty parties are those shifty individuals who own company shares. By attracting the attention of numerous groups of marauders and failing to surrender their shares quickly enough when addressed, shareholders are directly causing this spike in violent crime.

When interviewed, a masked man merely stated that “time is short” and asked if this reporter had any shares. As I do not, he proceeded to ignore every question I asked him.

Company security recommend that should you be confronted by masked men demanding shares, you give them up quickly and politely. Resistance may cause you distress and just makes the place look untidy.

Partygoers at Company-sponsored Corpo-raves (held to promote the Company's officially approved youth subculture, Corpo-punk – an aesthetic carefully engineered to require as much expensive paraphernalia as possible) are confused by inexplicable changes to their skin pigmentation under the venues' UV lights.

“I dunno what's 'appened. It ain't no fun when I got my glow-boots, my neon sunglasses and my new electro vest, but you can't see none of it when I'm glowin' purple like the sun. Uh, bright like the sun, that is. Don't think it were purple, anyhow. 'Ain't seen it in a while, have we?” commented one disgruntled rave-goer.

Official rave statistics indicate exactly one-half of patrons are affected. In a press release, rave organisers explained, “No refunds. Affected individuals should remember to buy Company-brand SkinBlock gel to suppress these entirely inexplicable effects for which the Company is definitely not responsible.”

The Company unveiled its new network of photovoltaic moon-satellites at the end of the past quarter - by completely veiling the Burning Moon. Fortunately, all major political and business organisations on the globe have, however reluctantly, agreed to pay the Company's “competitive” (that is, monopolistic) fees for illumination, and the veil was soon lifted as the satellites moved to their idle position on the far side of the moon to gather energy that would otherwise be lost to space.

In other space-related news, a number of rival firms have been humiliated by the failure of their stated plans to remove Space Tokyo from its current position blocking the Sun. Top astro-geographers have, however, noticed a pinprick of light emerge through the black disk, theorised to be due to the apparent removal of the former Tokyo Tower. Its current whereabouts and intent are unknown.

Due to management failure to organize a successful Office Reshuffle staff attempted to perform one themselves, resulting in several life threatening filing cabinet accidents. More worryingly, several valuable items appear to have been 'mislaid' during the chaotic attempt. These include 'The Black Box' from R&D, Filing Cabinet VH-7 from the Inner Archive and worst of all a key to the CEO's private bathroom.

The Company would never suggest that any of its staff would steal from their beloved employer, however we would also like to remind employees that theft is a firing offence. These items MUST be recovered and Security is offering a substantial reward to the Fast Track employee who can bring them to the surveillance office first. While we would also never suggest that any staff member harm another a further reward will be offered for the culprit; dead or alive.

… Go out to N. Briggs, S. Artosis, B. Collins, D. Camber, K. Morgan, and a number of other individuals willing to put in the time, effort and just the right amount of healthy competition into climbing that corporate ladder. To those who aren't putting in the effort, ask yourself: why aren't you putting in the effort? Push someone off the rung above you today!²⁾

• 9/10 experts agree “we all agree”
• There's drugs in the coffee - they make you hate the Company.
• I hear that the shareholders can grant wishes!
• Moustaches are cool!
• Lost in the reshuffle: my office, my home, my life.
• I heard maulings have QUADRUPLED since last quarter. But I thought they killed the monster - I saw it on TV!
• Killbots have souls!
• I hear the ghosts of the simians.
• Terrafogo's legal team is battling the acquisition of mustaches.