News Turn 3

CPNY: +30.5% 23,049; DOG: -0.01% 3,548; IFX +0.07% 1,317; LVG -1.25% 1,799; MHI +0.00% 4,023; NIX -75.4% 1,491; OBS -0.02% 2,008; OGL +0.03% 9,460; RST +5.10% 19,019; TMK -0.01% 3,555

Employees of the Month

Profit Through Productivity

The Company would like to officially congratulate the three employees of the month for the last fiscal quarter. They are a shining beacon of corporate achievement and a model for all other employees. Their pictures will be hung on the wall of glory in the cafeteria and they will each receive a commemorative Company-Brand Enriched Uranium Desk Lamp (Now with real light-up action!) and a unit of Synergy.

  • P. Lyman for work promoting the Corporate News brand.
  • F. Despair for rebuilding R&D.
  • A. von Eisenhower for restoring “sun”-light.

Employee Notices

All employees are reminded to attend the opening of the new R&D building, a triumph of corporate utilitarian architecture. The new labs will be opened by the CEO in front of the world's media.

The ribbon-cutting will be followed by a drinks reception which you are commanded to attend.

Security will be tight due to recent incidents in Building 1 and a spate of thefts from the Company Museum.

Board Meeting Cut Short: New Company Security Project Directed

Report from The Daily Newspaper

Shares in The Company were today rocked by reports of a chaotic board meeting in which a member of the board, A Mr. D. Shark, was accused of working against the interests of the company, embezzlement, fraud and anti-corporate activity. The meeting was further thrown into shambles by the discovery of a large explosive device, which was found minutes after its detonation during the meeting. Numerous PAs and secretaries to the board were downsized in the incident, though the productivity of none of the board members was harmed. The CEO issued a statement praising the board members for their quick and decisive thinking in shielding themselves from harm behind their fellow employees, thereby avoiding a further decrease in the company stock in challenging circumstances.

Our sources suggest that Mr Shark remains at large and is to be considered armed and extremely dangerous to future financial growth.

Company wide CEO memo

The Company has always acknowledged the existence of a so called 'resistance' a collection of anti-corporate, neo-anarcho-communists bent on the destruction of all that is good and profitable. Unfortunately many staff have been unwilling to discuss the matter openly, but in light of recent events we feel that this issue must come to the fore. No longer can we sit idly back while our way of life and the free market are threatened by those who wish to plunge us back into the dark days of unionisation and employment rights. Therefore the company has designated as high-profile, a project to locate the leader of the resistance within the Company, a Ms. Dana Storm, followed by downsizing or re-education.

There is a large smoking crater in the side of Building 1, where the board room used to be.

Sun Disappears Behind Spaceborne Rubble

While the world's attention was elsewhere, the ruins of Tokyo mysteriously disappeared during the past quarter. They were spotted by astronomers some weeks later, as they drifted between the Earth and Sun, shrouding the planet in perpetual night and heralding an age of gloom and despair.

In a press release, the leader of the now-infamous Business Villains said, “AHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA!” before obliterating the reporters present.

Moon Ignites

However, not be out shone by the efforts of the business villains, Corporate strategy has literally set a world on fire. Or more specifically the recently reconstructed moon.

As everyone knows, the moon contains a large quantity of oil, and seemingly an equally large amount of oxidising agent. The resulting fires are quite capable of preventing the dawn of a new ice age by heating the planet. Further, by downsizing the role of heat source while bringing it closer an efficiency gain has been made!

A corporate spokesperson has denied that this new energy source was in any way caused by an accidental overburn by one of its recently re-purposed advertising lasers used in the reconstruction project, and that the new R&D labs had always been intended to orbit the new ball of astronomical fire.

Advert: Buy your new ice age survival kit now! Contains not only an emergency seed bank, but also housing insulation, a snow shovel, and an autographed pat with the branded hat trading card.

Huge Explosion Heralds Land Grab

An earthquake of moderate magnitude was felt through most of Europe and North Africa recently, as the Company's controlled draining of the Mediterranean ended in an apocalyptically huge explosion. Displaced fishermen seem upbeat as they scramble to harvest the thick layer of caramel now covering most of the coastline and former sea bed.

Company employees are encouraged to ship their families to the area in order to establish the right of first occupancy in the Company's name, offering cheap loans on luxury villas with unrivaled views of Mount Malta. Meanwhile, archaeologists are flocking to study the ancient seabed milestones discovered leading from Rome past the Gibraltar Dam and into the Atlantic.

Newer, Better Facilities for Newer, Better Science

The new R&D building is truly a shining pinnacle of science. A single slender spire, for experiments which require a lot of vertical room, orbited by floating science pods equipped for every possible research contingency. In the event of another catastrophic disaster individual pods can be jettisoned to a safe distance before whatever glowing red countdown the experiment in question is using reaches zero.

But that's not all! My sources in R&D tell me that there are additional science pods orbiting the Burning Moon, for close-up study of whatever strange radiation it may give off and the testing of extremely dangerous hypotheses. Truly the glorious company cares about the Earth, to remove such ready sources of destruction to a safe distance.

Extract from Modern Architecture Today, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the company.

All A-board

Company wide mandatory celebration announcement

It is with on-message happiness that the company wishes to announce the promotion of several talented members of the Fast Track scheme to the board of directors. Having demonstrated their loyalty, skill, managerial acumen and more loyalty; we are pleased to announce that Mr Profit, Mr Watson and Mr Lucas have all been promoted to the rank of Executive Director. We hope you will support and obey them absolutely during the onboarding process.

In entirely unrelated, according to the corporate law office, news, it is with sadness that we annouce the passing of several once bright sparks in the company havens and advise staff that their names are never to be mentioned again. Though we would like to remind all staff that pets must be kept on a leash at all times and that shelf stability affects us all.

HR truth memorandum

Due to a clerical error, last quarters promotion roster contained a mistake. Aey should have read 'A' and Bea should have read 'B'. The staff responsible have been disciplined.

Global Dynamics Rebranded As GDC - A Company Company

A report on the 'The Channel's' financial show

Global Dynamics was today acquired in a cash transaction by The Company, in what analysts are calling the acquisition of the decade.

Shares in GDC tumbeled last week after GDC's loss in a legal case brought by the company and a dramatic in-court outburst by GDC CEO Hank Venom. The judge in the case commented that 'never before have I seen such perfectly incriminating evidence. The numerous references to guilt and evil made this an easy case to rule on.'

Mr Venom was not a available for comment but was described by the wounded as 'tired and emotional'.

A New Dawn for Germany-2

From News Incorporated's Politics of the World quarterly publication, available for an extra $7.99 (plus $129.99 for P&P)

The recent elections in Germany-2 show a change in attitudes among the population. The outgoing Chancellor, Helga von Schnitzelmann, leaves office with an all-time-low approval rating due to having to borrow money from Integrated Finance to pay the Company's mooring fees.

The near-unanimous election of Drake Watson represents a substantial alteration to Germany-2's political landscape and is the first time in its history that Germany-2 has elected a non-German-2 to such an exalted position.

The world's reaction has been mixed. Some say that Chancellor Watson is not experienced enough to successfully run a country, having no previous political experience. As it is, the new chancellor seems to delegate most of the day-to-day running of the country to his Vice-Chancellor, Jean de Gaulle, and seems to spend his days standing behind his desk, perfectly immobile with a smile on his face. Others are glad for the change in leadership, hoping to leverage his youth and inexperience into lucrative defence contracts and tax exemptions.

Mass Stabbings at News Inc

“And welcome back to your regularly scheduled (and no doubt favourite) talk show, Chip & Bill with facts and talk, brought to you by News Incorporated - now with 50% more news!”

“Not to mention 50% more incorporated.”

“Haha, you tell 'em, Bill.”

”… Wow, Chip, that sure is a lot of hair gel.”

“It sure is, Bill. And we've got at least SPLEGHHHH…“

“What he meant to say, folks, is that we're going to be telling you all 101 uses of hair gel you never thought of, brought to you by our sponsor. Isn't that right, Chip?”

Chip appears to be gushing a large amount of blood from an impressive stab wound that appeared from nowhere. Bill is undeterred.

“Well, folks, thanks to our sponsor, PBLEGHHHH–”

<The broadcast is interrupted as Bill's blood starts to fountain from an identical chest cavity.>


The assailant is nowhere to be found - not surprising, since he/she/it was invisible. Most of News Inc.'s board seems to have also met an equally bloody (if not quite as brutal) end. In entirely related news, News Inc. has declared war on Quebec for the violent crimes against their employees.

Xenocorp Stock Takes a Dive into Rome

The recently-arrived extra-terrestrial corporation Xenocorp Inc. yesterday saw its future suddenly become explosively uncertain as its headquarters, or “hive ship,” were hit by two simultaneous blasts, one of green energy similar to that which destroyed the moon, and a colossal tungsten rod from space. The hive ship then promptly lost altitude, and crashed into Rome.

This is bad news for the Company executives who were busy conducting high-level negotiations aboard the hive ship, although word has it that the vast majority escaped with their lives. There are at this time no news of Xenocorp survivors, or of the millions of Simians the hive ship was transporting.

Rome, which was so recently savaged by nuclear fire in a killbot invasion, has been levelled by the crash of the Xenocorp headquarters. The nation of Robonia reels from the impact. Many killbots have been left destitute as a result, and the area outside rome has become a gigantic robot refugee camp. But there may be hope yet. Word has it that the Robonian leadership are scavenging the Xenocorp patents and intellectual properties since their holders are now out of business, so to speak.

A Robonian spokesbot had the following to say: “Robonia is now alone at the top of the terrestrial food pyramidoid. With the advances to our technology from the Xenocorp hive ship, we will become unstoppable, extending Robonia's peace and goodwill through the most devastating armed forces the world has ever seen.”


  • My moustache looks so wrong.
  • Small scale bomb attacks on the company are growing in frequency.
  • The pineapple did it.
  • Mecha Pat is the only true Good Guy™ in the world.
  • If you're an alien, why not penetrate a tasty mango?
  • Gina Star is addicted to hot chocolate.
  • There’s no ‘I’ in 'pineapple positive'!
  • Contrary to pre-financial era wisdom, business villiany pays quite well! Especially if no one stops you.
  • Aliens vs Monkeys vs Robots. Whoever wins, we lose. Buy your Corporation Personal Defense Solution today!
news_turn3.txt · Last modified: 2012/05/15 15:06 by gm_jonathan
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