Turn 2 News

CPNY: +10.31% 17,662; DOG: +0.01% 3,548; GDC: -63.29% 6,001; IFX -15.3% 1,316; LVG +2.78% 1,822; MHI +13.4% 4,023; NIX +5.44% 6,060; OBS -43.00% 2,008; OGL +12.0% 9,457; RST +13.90% 18,096; TMK +6.66% 3,555

The Company would like to officially congratulate the three employees of the month for the last fiscal quarter. They are a shining beacon of corporate achievement and a model for all other employees. Their pictures will be hung on the wall of glory in the cafeteria and they will each receive a commemorative bottle of Company Brand Shampoo (now with 90% less lead) and a unit of Synergy.

• A. Johnson for swelling the Company's cash reserve.
• J. Tarik for alleviating the Company's stationery situation.
• P. Lyman for branding the Company's assets.

To celebrate the restoration of the Company stationery supply and to mourn those lost in the destruction of the R&D building (now flood free!) the board has mandated another company orientation and integration event to be attended by all Fast Track employees.

Therefore the Company invites all of its valued employees to attend the Annual Company Picnic, to be held in the Designated Picnic Area 3.

Food and drinks will be provided at the standard rates.

Six drink minimum.

From the 'The Channel's' Financial coverage

Stock markers were today rocked by massive losses in the share price of Global Dynamics Corp. after the company was implicated in the illegal restructuring of the Moon™, a wholly owned subsidiary of 'The Company.' Hank Venom, CEO of Global Dynamics, was quoted as saying: “Global Dynamics denies all responsibility for the firing of our Peace Cannon which was intended as a tourist attraction for homeless orphans. We regret the destruction of the moon and look forward to our day in court to prove that we have been unfairly held accountable for the actions of others. You'll regret the day you tangled with Venom!”

Other Mega-Corporations have also suffered heavy loses, especially in their fishing and horoscope departments, as well the loss of key assets due to lunar mass integration into earth's markets at high velocity. The Company, while suffering in some overseas markets that were previously not undersea, has weathered the write-offs due to a substantial insurance settlement resulting from the Company's insurance policy taken out on its lunar holdings three days before the devastation, as well as ticket sales from the latest Greg Lucas film chronicling the wicked policies of Global Dynamics.

In other news, Integrated Insurance, a subsidiary of Integrated Finance, today declared Chapter 12 Super-Duper Bankruptcy after being forced to payout on a Lunar insurance policy. A spokesman for Integrated Finance told the Channel that: “We would like to assure investors that we are not exposed to the losses of our sister company and that we will be dispatching assessors to investigate the events surrounding this unprecedented insurance payout.”

Around a month ago everyone will have seen a large green ray shoot from somewhere beyond the horizon and strike the moon, which promptly exploded. There are now several large fragments of the moon (one of which bears a rather scorched Company logo), as well as a large number of smaller ones, visible in the night sky.

Around a week ago a vast metallic disc appeared in the sky above Corporate HQ. It has several crystalline skyscrapers hanging from its centre, the tallest of which bears a neon sign depicting a creature of unimaginable horror drinking something with a straw while giving a thumbs up.

The CEO's office has released the following public statement:

The Company welcomes the arrival of Xenocorp Ltd, attracted by our recent super-terrestrial advertising campaign. The Board is confident that the Company and Xenocorp Ltd. can work together successfully to effectively leverage untapped terrestrial markets for valuable resources, and that rumours of an impending hostile takeover of earth's tangible assets by Xenocorp are unwarranted. As a sign of cooperation, the Company looks forward to hosting Xenocorp's acquisition team at the forthcoming company picnic.

An internal memo from the office of the CEO:

While we are delighted at the success of our advertising campaign in attracting a potential new customer, we remind staff that it is vital to protect company interests at all times. Therefore, the CEO has designated as high-profile a project to ensure that any interaction with Xenocorp is profitable for the company and that none of our corporate competitors are able to engineer more advantageous trade agreements.

An exclusive News Incorporated Frontline Report from Melilla

We don't know where they came from, or what they want, but what seemed to start off as a simple attack by animal rights activists has turned into a full-scale military invasion. From what we hear, six days ago, a shipping crate arrived to a warehouse in Cairo for indefinite storage. Three hours later, it burst open and from it spilled dozens of golden-furred, extraordinarily beautiful monkeys. They quickly overpowered local authorities and took control of the city.

As the sun dawned the next day, Ouroboros Genetics forces prepared for a full-scale armed response. Eyewitness reports are hard to come by due to the survivors numbering in the double-digits, but it appears that the monkeys were both superior tacticians and had created several weapons of their own.

The past five days have seen the fastest military campaign in history, as simian forces overran and conquered all territories between the Red Sea and the Atlantic Ocean. Their armies seemingly grow in numbers daily, they subsist on very little food and appear to be harnessing technologies that we are decades away from.

His Golden Imperial Majesty, the newly self-proclaimed Sultan Test Subject 13-b, has initiated a series of brutal repressions and has now set his sights on the Robot Republic as the next target for the Simian Military, proclaiming them “abominations” and “there can only be one dominant species.”

The war-torn former country of Italy, a Leonov Group Subsidiary, has apparently been taken over by an army of rampaging killbots. They have declared indepence and rebranded the country into the Republic of Robonia. Unit #78884 was unanimously elected President and promised that the Republic will strive to live up to its founding principles of peaceful coexistence with its neighbours.

Unit #78884 also promised that, as well as their country becoming a bastion of peace and goodwill, they would exterminate the Simian Sultanate to the south.

“There can only be one dominant species on this planet” proclaimed Unit #45187, a spokesbot for the Robonian government.

The Human Resources Employee interface group would like to remind all employees of the following employment directives.

• Directive 806-C-1: Employees are forbidden from meeting in groups of more than four while on Company property and while not directly working on board mandated projects. Collective-bargaining is a threat to company productivity and is punishable by withdrawal of employee benefits such a cafeteria credits, company health insurance and company owned air.
• Directive 434-A-3 (revision 6): All employees must keep their line-managers informed of their spatial and temporal coordinates at all times. Unexplained absences will be taken as evidence of corporate espionage and may provoke a severe HR audit and retaliatory legal action.
• Directive 003-X: Damaging of company property is strictly forbidden.

HR is worried by a recent increase in large numbers of employees aggregating in communal areas while speaking in unison. This will be the last reminder before remedial action is taken and we look to our Fast Track inductees to rectify this situation.

HR would also like to assure all remaining employees that they need not worry about large numbers of disappearing co-workers, these have been reassigned to recruitment drive 37-B and are safe and well elsewhere. They will unavailable to contact for the foreseeable future due to an ongoing error with the tube network.

Finally, HR and Security wish to make staff aware that we are operating under heightened security protocols due to an increased risk of corporate malcontent activity. Any additional staff disappearances may be attributed to these measures. Please direct all enquires to Ms. E. Loxley.

Over the past fiscal quarter numerous employees have simply vanished, often being rounded up by HR auditing teams or seemingly answering an advert for a 'Company Hotel' and never being seen again. The groups of dead-eyed employees standing together and mouthing words have meanwhile grown in size.

Transcript from a recent episode of Chip and Bill with Facts and Talk, a new News Incorporated programming segment.

Welcome back to our special investor's report on the 153rd Dodecannual Quebecois Weapons Trade Show. We now take you live to Chip Reynolds, live on the scene. Chip?

Thanks Bill. The Dodecannual Quebecois Weapons Trade Show is a monthly three-week-long event held in the Grand-Protectorate of Quebec where companies show off their newest and most devastating technologies and bid for Quebec's lucrative defense contracts. It is arguably the social event of the period and all of the country's hundreds of generals and even His Royal Majesty Emperor Claude Le Strode XI are in attendance.

Earlier today we witnessed a demonstration of the Company's Light Fence, beamed down from what appears to be an orbital weapons platform. Unfortunately, it was quickly outclassed by Mjölnir Heavy Industries' H.A.M.M.E.R. Hyperkinetic Accelerator and the Red Star Trading Consortium's Hong Long Superdreadnought, both of which were tied for the “Best in Show” ribbon. Back to you, Bill.

With these exciting military technologies now available His Imperial Majesty is putting out a tender for 'a war', all potential military antagonists should apply to:

The Office of War
C/O The Government of Quebec
Quebec

Thanks Chip. Exciting stuff.

Messages from The Office of the Emergency Controller, but a few days prior to the company picnic.

10.06am: A site emergency has been declared. Stay in your office until advised otherwise.
Many of you will have noticed the unusual claxons emanating from the R&D building several minutes ago. These were the Level 2 and 3 building emergency claxons and have lead to a full evacuation of staff in the building. A large crackling energy sphere imploded destroying all but the bottom two floors of the building. We are currently assessing the situation. Please notify the company health plan office of any injuries. Otherwise, tubes should not be used to avoid congestion of priority traffic.

10.23am: The site emergency has been lifted except for the following areas: R&D (all areas), corporate hospital.
This includes those parts of R&D that relocated recently into the vicinity of Legal and Acquisitions.

12:23pm: The site emergency has been stood down.
Preliminary investigations indicate R&D has been destroyed by some form of synergularity implosion, taking the cause thereof with it. Most R&D staff managed to evacuate in time, though a number have been involuntarily downsized. A thorough investigation has been launched by Prof. Dr. Dr. to determine the cause and prevent it from happening again. The R&D capacity of the company is essentially destroyed, and all employees should be seeking to rectify this matter immediately. The CEO and board have authorized use of any and all corporate resource towards this end.

Major R&D projects will be impossible until a new R&D building can be constructed. Everyone will be able to see a pulsing orb of crackling yellow energy hanging in the sky where the R&D building use to be, occasionally sucking up birds or planes that fly too close.

The company is pleased to announce total victory in the Annual Inter-Company Softball Tournament. In a nail-biting match that had sports fans worldwide glued to their seats, the team led by Elizabeth Loxley, Veracity Peel and Chuck Brannigan scored a resounding victory over the atomic supermen of the Global Dynamos, Global Dynamics' softball team.

The eventual decapitation of Chuck Brannigan in the final pitch was greatly overshadowed by Max Profit's excellent work merchandising the company team, making money hand over fist over severed head.

Commemorative plates depicting the victorious team will be available in the Company Shop for the next three weeks.

Overheard at water coolers everywhere:

“Oh man, did you see that battle in Tokyo?”
“Yeah, I knew those Business Hero guys were evil! But who was their new leader? How'd he get them to work for him?”
“I heard the Heroes were acting strange all day. Out of their minds. That poor kid never stood a chance.”
“What was his name? Well, it doesn't matter now. Nobody could have survived that fall.”
“Yeah, the real hero here is Mecha Pat With The Branded Hat. I hear they're releasing an album of his battle screams soon!”
“I thought he was called Mecha Pineapple Pat-chan?”
“Does it matter? That guy kicks ass. When he's not covered in monkeys.”
“That we can agree on. My son's been begging me for a Mecha Pat action figure, but all the Company's churning out is the Business Villains' new leader and that dead kid and his creatures!”
“Shame about Tokyo, too. Survived wave after wave of attack by giant monsters, only to be destroyed by a horde of tiny ones while the heroes were duking it out…”

The Company would like to warmly congratulate two new executive directors in Finance & Human Resources and Legal & Acquisitions who have recently been promoted. Aey Johnson and Bea Johnson have proved themselves to be competent and productive managers in their departments who have promoted efficiency and driven profit maximising, forward-thinking growth in line with core-corporate objectives and board sanctioned employee-encompassing agreeance assmosis. We trust that all staff in these departments will look to these rising stars for leadership and inspiration.

In entirely unrelated news the Company would like to extend its condolences to the family of Bob from L&A who will be taking an indefinite medical leave in the Company's electo-convulsive therapy unit. We wish him the best and a 'Get Well Soon' card will be available in the lobby of L&A for any staff who wish to sign it.

Furthermore, any staff who witnessed Patrick (previously ED in H&R) running amok in building 6 with a chainsaw are reminded that they did not in fact see this and that nobody called Patrick, or Pat to his friends, has ever worked for the Company. Staff who believe that their information may conflict with this new info-policy are encouraged to report to Re-education Room 01 on the first floor of the HR department for a refresher course.

Gurus worldwide noticed the massive synergy flare from Brazil last week, which was shortly followed by a press release from Terrafogo Megakonzern:

Terrafogo would like to announce to the world that they have taken great strides forward in the field of synergy generation and control, using ancient techniques discovered in ruins definitely not taken from Greece several months ago. Not only does this cast the synergy generating-abilities of ancient civilisations in a new light, it also puts the same power in the hands of Terrafogo Megakonzern.

Cutting from 'The Daily Newspaper'

Utopiaville was today reopened to employees of The Company wishing to live in the perfect environment of productive relaxation and relaxing productivity. The Company has assured those looking to move that rumours of severe mass psychological trauma are unfounded and that detractors should visit and have a drink in one of the city's many office-adjacent Cafés or Bistros before making up their minds.

Heard being hummed on a Company monorail in Utopiaville

My name is Monkey, Hi!
And I am here to say;
I'm gonna make you smile
And I will brighten up your day!

Signs have been posted on the noticeboards of the coffee rooms of all departments

WORKING WITH YOUR FELLOW EMPLOYEES CHALLENGING?

ARE PERSONALITY CONFLICTS HOLDING YOU BACK?

DO YOU FEEL THAT OTHERS ARE ALWAYS WRONG AND YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT?

Sounds like you need HR approved brain-training! Learn to overcome barriers to success! and cooperate with others in the corporate environment.

For one month only, HR, in conjunction with the advanced neuro-linguistic-neuro-surgery group, will be running this exciting series of seminars to correct your personality faults and make you into a better and more productive employee.

So come along for a thrilling day of talks and invasive surgery.

Sign up sheet available in the lobby of building 6. Act fast for big savings!

• Mecha Pat with Branded Hat™ eats pineapples for breakfast!1!!one1!!
• The Syngerularity was centered on The Despair Lab.
• The CEO is a member of a group that doesn't exist.
• Mecha Pat with Branded Hat™ brought actual cannibal [REDACTED] to justice.
• I heard Dr. Universe Smith finally cured the jellybean plague.
• Not even death can stop a loyal employee.
• There's a member of the you-know-what in L&A!
• Italians are Bad People™.
• There's no eye in homophone.
• Severe coffee scaldings are on the increase. Please check all memo deliveries carefully before raising them to eye level.
• You are commanded to laugh whenever Wilberforce's name is mentioned.
• My name is Monkey, Hi!