Company Newsletter - Q3 FY73

CPNY: -8.74% 15,012; DOG: +2.35% 3,547; GDC: +0.05% 9,997; IFX -0.2% 1,554; LVG +0.12% 1,874; MHI -0.01% 3,548; NIX +0.97% 5,748; OBS +0.45% 4,149; OGL +0.12% 8,444; RST +1.30% 15,888; TMK +9.78% 3,125

Profit Through Productivity

Welcome! New Company Fast Track to Success Program Inductees

The Company Fast Track to Success Program is a timeless monument to corporate triumph. It represents a transcendental milestone in the training and leveraging of exceptional human resources to achieve pre-implemented corporate goals within existing paradigms. Sourcing its intake from only the best and brightest individuals, its blue skies approach to on-the-job training and blame assignment are a testament to the Company's key objectives of fostering an environment of growth, learning and abject obedience in its workforce.

As we welcome our new intake of Fast Track employees we ask them to remember at all times the company's top-down approach to its strategic profitability milestones and to bear these in mind at all times during their working week. We here at the company are sure that this year's diversified and psychometrically profiled intake will not replicate last years Fast Track Program which mishandled a core “High Priority” project resulting in the summary termination of all its members, now designated Class 3 Unredeemable and removed from the company healthcare scheme.

Remember, we here at the company value you not just as employee but as a tax-deductible write off against infrastructure assets and that's why we care about your productivity and longevity. As you grow and learn so we in turn will grow with you in a process we like to call 'mutual growducation'.

As part of the first step of our shared journey, come and meet your fellow Fast Track to Success Program Inductees at the Directors Meet and Greet on Floor 45 of building 6 tomorrow.

Safety Tips from Steve

Hi folks. Steve here, from security. I'm here today to talk about Safety. Now I'm sure you're all familiar with the six-hundred and thirty seven pages of the company Safety in the Workplace handbook, and its central theme: wear your goggles.

But today, I want to talk about another aspect of company safety, and how you can protect yourself, and more importantly, your work. First things first, be aware of people trying to access restricted areas using falsified credentials. Anyone found in a restricted area should be immediately reported to the nearest Securiforcer™. Make sure you lock away any information and sensitive substances to prevent their abuse. Above all, if you yourself are guilty of misusing or misappropriating company property, you should report it to your HR Representative as soon as possible.

Remember: a safe employee is a productive employee.

Space Race Heats Up

After recent success with their moon base, soft drink titan Global Dynamics has been seen loading their rockets with, among other things, large cans, rollers and company overalls. Our inside source assures us that it is all part of Directive 3571 — a totally unsuspicious Directive, our insider hastened to add. As a professional gossip, I find nothing more suspicious than something unsuspicious — except perhaps something totally unsuspicious. And so, I ask you employees: how much longer must we be kept in the dark about clearly suspicious motivations and goals? And how much longer must we keep our corporate feet on the ground, when there's a whole universe to market to? If you ask me, we need to get better gossips and strap on our rocket shoes. Space is the next frontier and we need to start moving out there pronto, before our friendly competitor decides rollers and overalls aren't enough

From the gossip column of Griselda Jones, PR

The Company's spaceward-facing acquisitions strategy has been designated “High-Profile” by the board. Projections suggest our industrial competitors have identified key opportunities in the post-Mesosphere market. Needless to say the company cannot be left behind nor our competitors allowed to capture key revenue streams unopposed. The company looks to its Fast Track scheme to meet the challenges faced in this shifting financial environment.

Project Directive - BOLD9877

Terrafogo Discovery Under Armed Guard

Mining and asset-stripping corporation Terrafogo Megakonzern has recently excavated a ten square mile piece of Greece and shipped it to Brazil for unknown reasons. The new landscape is surrounded by several units of Terrafogo's crack troops who repel investigators at bullet-point.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” said a Terrafogo spokesman. “We categorically haven't moved any land from Greece, and we definitely aren't guarding it with soldiers armed by our Highly Murderous Experimental Weaponry division. Which we don't have.”

Pocket Press Briefing #23: Toxic Debt

From time to time the press office issues special “Pocket Press Briefings” so all employees are able to respond in the correct manner if challenged by the press, family members or local cub scouts (all contact with scouting organizations should be reported as a matter of urgency to the company press office, where further enquiries may also be directed).

Back in FY 5 the Company took over stewardship of the Toxic Debt Depot (TDD) in Reclamation, Ohio from the then United States Government. As part of an innovative private-public partnership, the local community got a new daycare centre in return for choosing to host the TDD Repository. Over time, the absolutely top grade materials (NB: employees are advised to emphasise that the TDD Repository was entirely built as per appropriate Standards and Regulations) used in the construction have decayed, leading to a potential (but low) risk to nearby inhabitants. A hazard management programme has been put into operation, and legal redress is being sought against the contractors responsible.

Local residents should ensure all financial records and credit cards are stored securely and that cash transactions are handled in the specially sealed areas. These measures are purely precautionary and there is no appreciable risk of contagion.

On a related matter any employees able to assist with the hazard management programme are encouraged to apply for a secondment to the project.

Company Wide Directive: The Stationery Must Flow

It has come to the attention of the employee biro provision committee (subcommittee: blue ink) that stationery levels within all major operating groups have plummeted precipitously. Communications with Stationery Bunker 01 have been lost and the elevator appears to be non-operational, this follows several weeks of intermittent pencil flow. Without access to board approved stationery and corporate headed paper the entire company risks drifting off message, reducing the focus on our core objectives of customer acquisition and shareholder pacification.

Needless to say such an outcome poses a risks to our strategic brand plan and planned brand management strategy. All departments are strongly urged to second staff members to an effort to restore communications with Stationery Bunker 01 as soon as possible. Identify the problem and correct it. An action plan developed for dealing with the situation has recommended extreme caution and adequate preparation for workplace hazards.

Victory Mandated in the Inter-company Softball Tournament

As the more healthy among you will know, the annual world inter-company softball tournament is coming up. After the rampant cheating, backstabbing, treachery and ball-tampering of last year we look forward to a clean, fair contest of skill. Which we must win at all costs.

Certain financial predictions are predicated on our ultimate softballing triumph — failure may lead to a catastrophic rise in the sea level — so enabling victory for us in this tournament shouldn't be considered just your duty to the company (which it is) but also your duty to civilisation as we know it.

Investors Await Intrepid Entrepreneurs

Company employees are reminded not to waste company time on their own endeavours. Instead, they are heartily encouraged to compete in this year's Dragons' Lair entrepreneurship challenge!

Interested employees should present their ideas to the company's experienced Investment Dragons in sub-basement K. If they are appeased, the Dragons will provide funding for the proposal in exchange for all intellectual property rights in perpetuity and dire consequences should profit margins prove unacceptable. The best applicant will receive one on one business mentoring from the Dragons, enough resources to fund development of their idea and a commemorative trinket.

Suitable clothing is advised!

news_turn0.txt · Last modified: 2012/04/23 20:14 by gm_oliver
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