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facilities [2012/03/25 22:42] (current)
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 +====== Facilities ======
 +===== Overview =====
 +//"Facilities? Who?"// - an anonymous trainee, not long for this company
 +Invisible and omnipresent, the facilities department is typically sneered at by those who have not been educated in its ways - either by spending time mopping the labyrinthine corridors of Company HQ themselves, or by pushing the woman who restocks the vending machines just a little too far and finding out exactly what happens if your office is never, ever cleaned. In truth they are one of the most well-connected and well-informed departments, capable of exerting tremendous pressure when they have an agenda to push through the simple expedient of //doing things// - or, even worse, //not// doing things. An ally in facilities helps keep the office clean, the coffee flowing, and the bodies hidden where nobody can find them.
 +===== The Role of Facilities =====
 +Facilities is one of the few departments of the Company that actually does things. Mailroom staff, janitors, cleaners, cooks, tube-network-maintenance-professionals, data-entry monkeys, plumbers, electricians, undertakers, that one guy you can always rely on... whenever you see things actually achieved around the place, odds are a member of the facilities department is behind it.
 +Although that is the extent of their official duties, facilities' access to all areas of the company - all the areas that people want to keep clean, anyway - makes them an excellent network to cultivate if you want to know what's going on. Many successful executives make a point of keeping on the good side of the folk who keep the plumbing functional.
 +===== Facilities and You! =====
 +Want to feel like you're actually getting something done? Need a place to lie low until the latest corporate disaster you're responsible for has blown over? Completely incapable of qualifying for a more prestigious role? Why not try a career in facilities! We're now hiring ambitious young men and women who can see past traditional prejudices to the opportunities inherent in this oft-denigrated department. Bring your own mop and overalls.
 +===Job Requirements===
 +The facilities department likes its members to have high ratings in the Productivity core competency. Procrastination, Bureaucracy and Sabotage are all valued additions to the successful facilities professional's role profile.
 +Facilities looks favourably on highly effective people specialising in [[vsm|Value Stream Mapping]].
 +===== Meet the Directors =====
 +===Manitoba Saskatchewan, Managing Director of Facilities===
 +In the chaos that surrounded the collapse of Canada many fortunes were made and lost, prizes gained and prices paid. Manitoba Saskatchewan lost one kidney, two cars, his house, and a strip of China one inch wide and six hundred miles long. He gained an antique revolver, thirty racing greyhounds, a controlling interest in syphilis and the rights to the names of two ex-Canadian provinces. He is a strange man.
 +===Lord Bernard Hiss, Executive Director of Facilities===
 +Rumours that Lord Hiss is a carnivorous reptile-man from another dimension are totally unfounded, and employees repeating them will be subject to harsh disciplinary action.
 +===Carol Kelly, Executive Director of Facilities===
 +Once a mere mailroom controller, Ms. Kelly's life changed on the day when she began her studies of [[vsm|Value Stream Mapping]] and, later that day, her studies of Hung Gar kung fu. Since then her ascent has been unstoppable: more than one rival has been seen off by an unexpected flood or a savage beating, none of which can be traced back to her (naturally).
facilities.txt · Last modified: 2012/03/25 22:42 by gm_oliver
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